


Respect & Adoration

by AutumnQuest



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Universe, Depression, Drunken Confessions, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-01-04 21:23:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnQuest/pseuds/AutumnQuest
Summary: "What’s wrong? Pull it together… His hands tug at the harness, expecting it to yield and let go of him for five fucking minutes. When was the last time he cried? Why was he on the verge of crying?"A nameless cadet flying, a tangled mess of 3DMG, straight into the hands of an abnormal. After everything he’s seen and done, what made this one so different? The Commander’s cracking with seemingly no reason or answers. Captain Levi steps in and attempts to pick up the pieces.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What’s wrong? Pull it together… His hands tug at the harness, expecting it to yield and let go of him for five fucking minutes. When was the last time he cried? Why was he on the verge of crying?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to my Beta Reader - MossyAbyss - [Tumblr](https://mossyabyss.tumblr.com/)

_Dear Mr & Mrs… _

Erwin mentally runs through his checklist of life choices, quill scratching across the paper.

School was an easy decision, full of wistful dreams and plenty of sleep. Picking final subjects – history, the smell of musty textbooks, dusty library shelves only he seemed to explore. These memories so fleeting, so rarely visited that they were losing focus in his mind. His father and their relationship, frequently visited in the late hours in vivid colour, the details so precise, so delicately held like crystal glass. Precious memories. He knew he had polished it all clean to a fault, he knew the man was no saint, but after years of late-night longing for one last conversation, one last pat on the back, one last father-to-son smile, his father’s image was worn to a brilliant ideal.

His mother was rarely on his mind, to his shame; his mind was not a place for her. She sat somewhere deeper, somewhere in his heart, buried after years of regret.

 _Marie_.

Joining the Corps. Picking a squad, selecting rank promotions-- something that no matter what always left holes in him for days. Promotions meant death, and the selected being pushed into closer positions to death.

Authorising plans.

Writing condolences.

Fixing on any key events that had possibly led him down the path of detachment, particularly in the last few weeks. Something was gnawing at him, working its way into him. It had begun two weeks ago, around lunch. He looks back to the time, recounting his actions - he had turned from the counter to select a seat, with hot food in hand, looking around at the faces of the Scouting Legion. So few he recognised, so green. He opted to eat alone. To remain the stoic Commander figure behind the office door.

This isn’t anything new, eating alone meant he could think, but that was the last time he felt balanced.

His fingers flex on the quill…

_With deepest sympathy, I am writing to inform you of the heroic deeds of…_

He knows his detachment is an illusion, but pretending not to know the names of the deceased is better than letting their faces swim behind his eyelids. Bloody faces, screaming, gasping, grasping while fruitlessly pleading for life. His own voice shouting to ignore and proceed. Something that only ever strikes him afterwards when he writes these mission reports…

_…now deceased. Valued and honoured for…_

He sighs, a chest shuddering heave every time he writes it…

_The Wings of Freedom._

This path of pretending leads to the appalled and sometimes violent opinions of others, who wholeheartedly believe that he is a manipulative single-minded fuck. At times, he’ll admit he is. Yes. A machine of war, emotionally void. The only one who can make the decisions that no one else would think of. But whilst he sits writing yet another thirty-seven letters of condolence, he cannot bring himself to wear that mask.

Like weathered skin, it’s dried and cracking, waiting to be shed for a new layer of pretences. He rubs at his cheek as if to feel whether his face has set into the indifferent, neutral mask it usually _pretends_ to be. Is he pretending anymore or is it real? His finger traces the flat line of his bottom lip. A year ago, the frown would have been deeper, now it was plain and lacking.

Maybe it wasn’t two weeks ago that the balance moved? Was it perhaps further back, and he’s only feeling the effects of being off-centre now? He sieves through the main memories of the last year. He’d refused to attend the Corps annual Christmas party, which was an anomaly. He usually attended because it was a tradition and the only relaxed regularity in the Corps, but he had a mountain of work and pressure from the capital. He had to carefully put an officer to bed after a drunken night and a few sordid confessions. Marie had written for the first time in months and he had chosen not to reply. He had visited his father’s grave – though it was not official in any way, it was a frequented spot when he was younger, a place he only ever associated with him.

That was a rather odd thing to do. Did he think that at the time, maybe that was the tipping point?

Erwin looks back down at the letter in front of him, his finger tracing his lack of expression again, something churning his insides. Opting to let all the guards down and focus on each name as not only his fault but a mistake that only he had chosen. He feels the name to deepen the frown to scold his lacking self-loathing…

_…Yours Sincerely_

_Smith, Erwin._

_13th Commander of the Scouting Legion._

… … …

His issue with letting his guard down is that it makes him weak. Sensitive and prone to emotional damage. Writing another letter, feeling his lungs constricting at the image of the cadet flying from her horse, yanked by the 3DMG wire that missed its mark, right into the hands of an Abnormal. Being so open to his inner self feels foreign. Something that scares him, his paranoia is getting scarier.

Maybe two weeks ago isn’t a big enough time frame? He’ll have to dig deeper at some point to get to the weed and root it out. It itches.

For now, he can’t help but be agitated, with slow anger that seems to fuel his inner monster. The world they live in may be cramped and horrid, twisted with the politically corrupt and ambitious, damaged by the scheming few below the line. But no family deserves a bit of paper declaring their product of life and love deceased.

Years have passed in a blur with little to show. Thoughts of an outside world treated like poison in the carefully constructed veins of their society. A construction ever-expanding by those that sit so far at the top with their thumbs firmly planted up their asses on the topic of Titans.

Why regain human terrain when they have everything they need and then some? _Why bother?_ He must agree that the idea of simply living in the inner walls is an agreeable one. Safe, secure, easy life till death.  A History teacher, a kid or two, _Marie._

But he can’t let that giddy ideal crush the future of humanity. No matter how many times he wakes from a dream of a house and a nine till five, it always ends with him viewing the walls as an iron cage.

Erwin rubs his hands across his face, sleep evading him since the last expedition. His head, heavy with names and faceless crying mothers. Angry, punch-throwing fathers. Fumbling, grabby children that he lacks the knowledge of comforting. His eyes burn with sleep and anger.

The polished wood of the desk beckons to him, screaming solid security. And considering it’s ten minutes to midnight, he sees no reason why he can’t break form. _No one important from outside the Recon would enter his office now?_ He drops his forehead to the wood, rolling the throbbing pain across the cool surface. His hands dangling by the sides of his boots, only now does he feel his feet aching and his calves thrumming in their confines. He tries to remember when his boots were last removed. _Six this morning… Earlier last night?_

Sighing, he pushes a hand down the backs of each boot, holding the ache of the last couple of days. Erwin knows he looks childish and irresponsible, stupid even. If they could see him - he chuckles - they’d call him incompetent and strip his badge. He idly wonders if that would be such a bad idea. If they took the responsibility, then he couldn’t argue and would be forced to forget this dream and move on... He chuckles again, darker this time - he really is sick, something really is wrong.  Since when did he consider genuinely giving up?

Just three more letters. A short shower and, hopefully, bed. Hopefully, because the plain ceiling was apparently more interesting than sleep last night and the night before, but maybe he should spend some time clearing the clutter in his mind first. Find the weed, then hopefully some sleep before the five-a.m. wake up for a council meeting and full day of papers and checks till the nine-pm scheduled evacuation drill. Ten was the last appointment of the day, Mike wanted to talk…

… … …

He knows that Levi entered the room at some point, his nerves spiking to the strong petite presence. The small man was unnervingly quiet, refusing to knock or even give a little cough of entry. Despite the eyes piercing his stupidly exposed back, he cannot for the life of him find the strength to move. He thuds his head once on the wood accepting the presence.

“Shit old man. Have you kicked the bucket?” Levi’s voice is equally strained with sleep, which doesn’t make Erwin feel any better. He was trying for bitter and nonchalant, but barely managing to stifle a yawn.

Erwin mumbles into the wood, drivel about not giving a fuck. Moving his head, dropping it back down with a thud. _Terrific…_

“Did you swear at me?” Levi spits, appalled. “Drink some coffee or something and sleep already.”

_Like it’s the most obvious thing in the world… to sleep…_

Pulling his chin across the now disgustingly moist surface, he looks his subordinate in the eye, forcing himself to squint when his wouldn’t focus, slumber drifting in at yet another inconvenient time. His stomach churns at the odd, amused look he’s receiving. He’s reluctant to relieve the pressure on his calves from his now numb but snugly warm hands. Deciding that Levi can bear the authority-lacking pose, he stays put.

“Three more commiseration letters, then I can shower,” he whines, witnessing the disgust on the Captain’s face. “Yes, I haven’t showered yet. Then I can sleep-"

“Or let someone else write the damned letters.”

Erwin flinches - these letters are an important part of his job, a part that keeps him grounded and- very irritatingly- still human. Without the heavy responsibility of addressing the catastrophic mistakes of these actions - his actions - he would be no better than the people who sat eating banquets behind wall Sina while so many others starved. He is no higher than any of his men or women, he is lower, the pillar underneath it all. Right now, the lowest structure, sinking slowly in the mud. His face neither frowns nor smiles anymore. Something must keep his emotional self alive lest he becomes a mannequin. Whatever is slowly eating him must be pushed aside so he can be the best Commander possible. But the look the Captain is giving him, somewhere between confusion and concern, only makes the creature eat his insides faster. Does the Captain see he’s sinking? What’s that _gentle_ look in his eyes?

“Or at least ask someone to fold and seal them, it would speed it up.” Levi backtracks a bit, catching another yawn. Erwin can sense the man’s discomfort, which only spikes his paranoia.

He didn’t feel the moment the flood gates opened, but he was quick to hold it back. No tears fell, but the strength it takes to regain control is so immense that his chest shudders with the effort. The wetness is angry, agitated, repulsed, self-loathing, tired and oh, so… tired.

When was the last time he cried? _Why was he on the verge of crying now?_

Not moving, he watches the edge of the desk like it’s the edge of the dam about to break. From the corner of his eye, he sees the small Captain absently looking at the bookshelves. Books the man couldn’t care less about. Strategic planning and political propaganda. Erwin focuses on the memory of a puzzled Levi the first time they tried to train him in strategy: _“Why? Just fuckin’ kill it” “Because ‘just ‘f’ing’ kill it’ doesn’t save lives.”_

Sucking in one steady breath, he pulls his hands free, feeling the pulse of his calves. Quickly counting the tiles on the ceiling, he says, “Coffee would be great, Levi, thanks.”

With that, the man is gone. No more reason than that was needed to leave.

Alone again, Erwin is wordlessly thankful for Levi’s short and unexplained presence, because he had unwittingly forced him to avoid some form of a breakdown. Erwin’s head, however, is still fuzzy and constricted, his brain still ticking, but if he was going to cry, it would be alone in his room under a pillow, and if he was going to be sick, again, it would be alone in a locked bathroom.

Choosing to finish the last letters, quickly drifting over the names and letting every image flash harshly before his burning eyes, he waxes them all shut as the Captain returns with a white coffee with two sugars and a black tea.

“Anyway – I need to postpone my expedition report.”

His small smile at the smell of coffee stiffens, holding for a millisecond, ticking for modesty of control, then vanishing completely. He ventures, “Why?”

“Because.”

“Because of what?”

“I need to. Simple.”

Rasping, running a hand through his filthy hair, he counts back from ten, breathing hard. “It’s not simple," he sighs. "I need the report to file my report for the council. The council meeting tomorrow morning at half-past five. In. The. Morning.” His finger jolts to the clock reading five past midnight; he's shaking. “The report which they scrutinise not just on the content but on fucking spelling and punctuation, on whether we are worth the scrap budget they give us.” He sucks in a lung full of air, pushing out all the annoyance towards the man with less responsibility. “Using a dictionary instead of phonics isn’t your strong point - Is it? Am I meant to check it at five tomorrow- today! If it’s late that’s a reason against the Corps - against me!”

“Ignoring because you’re a mess. I still need it postponed. Whoopsie.”

Erwin glares at the man before him with watery eyes, a jackhammer for a head and a twisting sick stomach from missing lunch and dinner and something that he’s afraid of, a crack? Like film reel, the young cadet flying and flinging helplessly in the Titans hands repeats, over and over and over the crack ripping. Levi looks so sharp, so angular like he’ll cut Erwin down if he’s refused his request. The crack gets bigger.

That Abnormal was never brought down either, it’s still out there walking waiting for more cadets that Erwin will feed it and - “Whoopsie?”

Levi shrugs. _Simple…_

Grabbing for his coffee, he downs half like it’s the strong stuff, smashing the mug down on the desk a bit harder than necessary. “Shall I cut my arm off as a sacrifice for you, huh? Here, Council, Levi’s ‘whoopsied’ on the last three fucking days to write a short fucking report on a two day -two day- expedition. Shit! Cut me up as payment for humanity’s salvation!”

Levi stares, the crack in Erwin’s stomach opens, leeching its way up and down his spine, tilting the world. Erwin is aware that in all the years they’ve worked together he has never sworn so much, got angry and directed it at him, or not regained control the moment it happened.

He snidely thinks, _well, let it sink him too._

“Shit, Erwin wh-”

With that Erwin pulls back off the desk and strides to the exit, eyes brimming with tears of angst that he’s not embarrassed to have because he is far past caring. The Captains face is no longer sharp but blurred and swimming, his eyes scanning his body for answers. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t think he can care. Throwing the office keys at Levi with childish style, the set hitting the floor sounds like the release of wire from the 3DMG, the cadet flies through his office, blood smearing the walls. He feels himself shaking, drops his gaze from the whitewashed walls and cuts a beeline to his bedroom. Ignoring the salutes and addresses from the buzzing cadets that should have been asleep by now.

Envying their sleep resilience.

… … …

Within his cell of a room, Erwin relentlessly pulls at the confines of his clothes, angrier at himself than at Levi’s request. It was an innocent enough request, considering the situation, as well as a pain in his already-council-wounded ass-- but _not_ one that couldn’t have been handled easily. _What’s wrong? Pull it together…_

His hands tug at the harness, fighting for it to yield and let go of him for _five fucking minutes._

Flipping the shower on to a nearly unbearable temperature, feeling the blood, dirt and grime cannibalising his skin, he quickly glances at the mirror, not recognising the mess before him. There is no visible crack up his side, on his back; as far as he’s aware, he isn’t internally bleeding. His is a mental issue, he concludes. Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, he starts the hunt for the whiskey he received for his birthday three years ago. He’ll medicate himself because damned if he tells a doctor he’s losing his mind.

Never quite understanding why the other officers have a stash of some liqueur till this moment, Erwin begins to see the desire to let your mind fall into oblivion and lose control over your senses. Never again will he turn his nose up at those who have succumbed to the amber liquid.  

Before his shaking fingers can grab the bottle located at the back of his boots chest, a small hand tentatively touches him.

“Hey, what-”

Erwin sinks into the man. Hands holding on to his slim back, face pressing into his flat stomach, feeling the strength that’s hidden beneath. Willing some of it to help him pick himself back together like the remains of the dead.

He breathes in each breath as steady and even as possible through the tears, bringing himself further and further to the surface of reality.

He concentrates on every little detail of the harsh fabric and leather straps, the clean laundry smell with the warmth of the Captain’s body. He smells of faint coconut milk and a subtle musky cologne, almost non-existent as if lingering on his clothes after a few washes. Erwin wasn’t aware the man wore any, always assuming Levi would dismiss something like cologne as pointless and vain, but then again, he has never had his face pressed up against him.

He's also consciously aware of the man’s hips, the sharpness at his shoulders and the slight alcove at the bottom of his back, one of his index fingers held in a small dip- dimples? Erwin keeps his focus on any new details of the Captain he can find, mentally mapping and storing them, bringing his mind back into focus on something other than his broken armour.

Levi for his part, carefully holds his head, hands not quite sure. Erwin takes some comfort in the gesture, far too aware now of how dirty his hair is and how it must be irking the man. His hands are still shaking on Levi’s back, which is so small he’s sure he could hold his thumbs on the man’s jutting hips and his middle fingers would touch at his spine over those dimples. He stops himself from testing it, that would be crossing so many lines.

His tears are spoiling his shirt, his breathing raggedly spreading out over Levi’s body trying to gain some form of authoritative control with his awareness of reality.

The reality that Levi is trying to gentle disengage the embrace.

Swallowing, Erwin watches the Captain’s face, which is visibly shaken too, a deep crease between his brows, unable to fully understand the mess he must be seeing before him. “Hey, come on old man, your beds less than two fucking feet away.” Erwin’s eyes shift to the bathroom. “No, bed first.” Levi shivers at his own order, clearly concerned for the clean sheets.

“I’ll go to the meeting tomorrow - today - and collect your sheets to clean them,” he adds to ease his own phobias.

Erwin knows he’s asking more of the man than his job entails. Nowhere in his pitch to Levi to join the Corps is there _cuddle me when I’m down and do my job._ The thought of that day all those years before pulls some more sense to him. He had watched Levi lose his world and his kill target to still gain control enough to function. Drawing from the Captain's strength, he releases his needy hold, standing up. Refusing to wipe the tears from his face, he accepts the damage done.

“I’m sorry Levi. I’m tired. The last expedition with all the others has just… It’s hit me harder this time.” He sits down on the military cheap bed thinking it may actually feel the best it’s ever felt. “After the council meeting tomorrow, I’ll sign myself off for the day to rest. Thank you for your concern, but you shouldn’t have to worry. You were there yourself, you’re also tired. I’m the Commander, and-”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

Erwin peers up at Levi, his turn to be shocked. He usually so patiently waits for others to finish before ripping into them. _“Best to make them feel right, then, crush their ideas,”_ he’d typically say.

“When was the last time you took time off?” Levi grabs the whiskey bottle, pouring out more than needed, to drink half and gives the rest to him. It burns him on the way down. “I’ve never seen you like this. You’ve seen me like this. So just shut up and get to sleep. I’ll go to the meeting tomorrow. As far as they’ll be concerned, you have a virus and need rest. Shit help them if they challenge me.”

Turning at the door, the Captain continues briskly: “Don’t thank me, don’t mention it.”

He hears the door click back in place, then the lock slide home, the key slipping under the door.

Erwin sits quietly perched on the bed, the sound of the still-running shower breaking the silence.

A small smile begins on his lips. “Thank you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where on earth is Erwin’s safe place?
> 
> Captain Levi lists all the implications of searching around the Commander’s room when he’s asleep along with all the possible things he’ll come across that he shouldn’t see for lack of personal privacy. There are some things he doesn’t need to know about the man and maybe some interesting things but that’s not the point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to my Beta Reader - MossyAbyss - [Tumblr](https://mossyabyss.tumblr.com/)

At five-thirty in the morning, Levi could have thought of not only several places he’d prefer to be but the ones he’d not like to be in but still prefer over this mess.

Being eaten by a Titan was on the “prefer to do” list, a big one with an ugly face, slowly being chewed from the legs up. Nice and painful, nice and slow. Babysitting Yeager was next, but on the “still don’t want to do but prefer” list. Babysitting Yeager as a Titan was on the preferred list because at least he had an excuse to hit him and laugh at Mikasa.

Stuffy men and men-looking-women sat around rabbiting about this and that. All stuff that might as well have implied cutting off the outside world and segregating off the poor to feed the rich. Even using the poor as food to feed the rich. One man – some non-officer, pencil pusher - jumped in to say that all those who still wished to venture outside should be left outside, “-the scouting legion and the outside towns!” he was practically frothing at the mouth like this was the first time this idea had been voiced.

Because apparently, being born in a certain district meant you loved the Titans, rather than that you didn’t have a choice where you were born? Levi remembered briefly the silhouette of a guard at the opening drain to the Underground. He remembers his words, his venom, that those who lived in that shit-hole deserved nothing more. Like his Mother had opted willingly to live in the slums? Like he wanted to raise Isabel in the slums? Like he didn’t wish every day for better, fresher air?

Levi sits for a further forty-five minutes painfully biting his tongue till the iron metallic taste of his now-bitter blood floods his mouth. Blood and peppermint - the fuel for his day. He nearly nods off again.

Finally, one of the women - that he was sure should be long dead by now - asks what he has been waiting for. She rocks back in her chair, crossing her arms at him, saying with an exaggerated flare, “Where’s Commander Smith, Captain?”

She smirks, she was the first to challenge the Captains unusual presence. Kudos for her bravery.

A couple more take it upon themselves to say they also noticed his absence. “Yes, where is he!” “Commander of the Legion- it’s his duty to be here, how troublesome.” “Maybe he believes he’s too important to be here?”

They rattle amongst themselves for a bit. He almost wishes that their tiny brains would forget what they were complaining about so he can go back to nodding off.

All the faces of the people he’d rather see in a Titan’s mouth slowly but surely turn to him, quieting, waiting. Slouched in the foldable chair he sighs. Pretty sure I look like death warmed up. “He’s ill.”

The air vibrates around them all, static tension. He watches as every face stares at him incredulously, _Erwin Smith, ill? No, no, no._ They patiently wait for him to divulge more information. _I think he cried himself to sleep and never showered._ One going as far and tutting and sighing, another tapping the plyboard table. _I think he’s lost his marbles. I’m losing mine now by sitting here._

Inspecting the perfect curve of his nails, checking that none of the council’s crap had gotten under them in the last hour. Levi quickly looks up at them, raising his eyebrows giving them his favourite _“fuck off”_ glare.

He clocks several jaws clenching, but as expected, they all draw back a bit. Someone picks up the complaining again, and finally, someone realises they’ve solved nothing in the last two hours. “We’ll have to reschedule.”

His bed is getting cold and dusty for this. No wonder Erwin is ill.

… … …

Walking down the corridor to Erwin’s office, Levi feels his head sink to the side, his vision blurring a bit. He snaps back into vivid focus, shaking his head, his hair brushing his eyes. He needs a cut. He’s agitated.

After nearly three hours of sleep, once completing his expedition report, and having another quick shower, his alarm clock rang, disorientating him. Seemingly setting the mood for the rest of the day. Story of his life.

It took him three unnecessary turns to finally get to the council meeting - in the same room he had meetings with four eyes in, once a week. He’d talk to them later about mental health issues and the best forms of approach, he’d make something up like, “A friend of my friend from the underground who I’ve recently contacted again is having withdrawals from the light, waffle-waffle-waffle, science-science help me.”

He’ll refine the story when he understands more of what the hell happened last night, or lug it all on Hange and walk away with not a care in the world.

After the near-death experience of the council meeting, he walks all the way to his room before remembering it was time for breakfast, getting to the canteen to realise it was “Down Day” so it wasn’t open for another hour. “Down Day” was the same day every _damn_ week unless they had an expedition. His head hurts.

To top all that off, he proceeded to go to the gym, which he would have done if he wasn’t meant to be finishing Erwin’s work. He turned sharply again, getting more agitated. He hoped the man had a typewriter because there was no way his handwriting looked anything like the Commander’s.

Double-taking again to get to Erwin’s office, he remembers he slipped the keys back under his door…

Just adding to the list of results of lack of sleep on Humanity’s most pissed off. Hange would be so proud of his research, he sniggers, rubbing vigorously at his face.

Twisting the corner to his new destination, the Captain wonders if Erwin’s asleep, and if so, what he’d do then?

The Commander’s office only has one set of keys for security purposes, and he doubts that the old man would be happy with a busted door. At this point, Levi was seriously considering kicking the door in just so he could complete someone else’s work and then get back to his own, but that might be the sleep talking.

… … …

The Commander’s door isn’t locked; Levi mentally notes to scold him for that later.

Especially when he pushes the door open to see Erwin still curled up in the fetal position wrapped in the blanket up to his lightly stubbed chin. _A marshmallow._

Even a raging Mikasa protecting her brat wouldn’t wake him. “Shit.”

He considers jumping on him in a false attack but realises he really must need sleep or cold water on his face because that’s a stupid thing to do to a man twice his size in his own territory. He doesn’t know whether the Commander has a gun under his pillow or not. Levi has a knife.

The keys to his office are nowhere to be seen on the floor. Obviously, Erwin had gotten up for one reason or another and moved them to a safe place while unlocking his door so someone could murder him.

_Where on earth is Erwin’s safe place?_

Captain Levi lists all the implications of searching around the Commander’s room when he’s asleep along with all the possible things he’ll come across that he shouldn’t see for lack of personal privacy. There are some things he doesn’t need to know about the man and maybe some interesting things but that’s not the point.

He whispers, faintly hoping to stir the man awake so he doesn’t have to snoop - “Should just bust the door in.” The Marshmallow doesn’t move.

Closing the door behind him, Levi already feels like a privacy thief, but does it anyway, not wanting any cadets, or worse, Hange - who already thinks his “delicate” relationship with the Commander is cute - to see him prying.

He takes a quick stock of the room, surveying where to start. He loosens the strap at his chest, letting in a steady breath. His vision blurring a bit, he rapidly blinks it away.

Pulling open the nearest chest of drawers, he’s confronted with random bits of various paperwork. Down to the next, filed bits of various paperwork… the last, labelled folders on the Commander's top staff. Levi’s eyes fall on the - A C K E R M A N, L E V I - label.

Never in his life had he been so curious to see what was written about him, what _bullshit_ Erwin had weaved about his past or being sworn into the Corps. He fingers the edge of the folder, wondering if the stoic Commander would even care or notice if it was gone.

He shuts the drawer. Moving to the fold-down desk and opening the top, he’s confronted by things that make him feel dirty.

Private photos - family photos.

Erwin’s Father and Mother he assumes. His Father looks like him, the same hairline and nose, the same laugh lines. His mother is beautiful and regal. Explains a lot about her son. A photo of a young girl – pretty, slim, crisp, religious. He thinks its Marie and snaps his teeth shut before he childishly turns the photo around.

Snooping into the hollow for the keys he tries to avoid looking at Erwin’s parents, feeling like they are judging him for intruding their little area of Erwin’s life.

The bottle of Whiskey was in the boots chest, so deciding that’s the next best bet, he wanders across the room, hitting a squeaky floorboard. Erwin moves slightly, snuffling and sniffling before burying his face back into the pillow.

He reaches the chest to find anything but boots and keys. Instead, it’s full of personal objects. Gifts, including bottles of Whiskey from over the years, a barber kit still with the tag, a switchblade gifted by Levi himself and two photo albums… Levi tentatively lifts the corner of one and is confronted by a wide-eyed, glasses-less Hange. Opening it a little further, he sees Moblit running off waving something in his hand, probable their glasses.

He opens it a little more, intrigued by the normal photos of the squad.

Erwin shifts in the bed, the cheap springs creaking.

If anyone were to see him, what was he to say? Quickly abandoning the very private chest and walking to the next set of cupboards, he considers, _“Hey just looking for the one key to unlock Erwin’s office. Yeah did you know he has photos of me? Weird, right? No, no, his room was unlocked, didn’t pick it-”_ He sighs to the ceiling, almost laughing out loud. He’s lived above ground too long. Swiftly, he begins to leave to bust into the office without breaking the door, overly confident he hasn’t forgotten how- he has a bobby pin somewhere in his room for sure.

“Levi?”                                                                                                     

“Shit.” The floorboard squeaks. He grabs at his loose chest strap as if to strangle himself.

Erwin moves on the bed, hazy bottle-blue eyes peering up at Levi, fixed on him from across the room. Rolling at a sloth’s rate to his side, he swings up into a lotus position. His hair was left damp through the night (“Thank the Goddess, he did shower” runs through the Captain's head) now a tidal wave of knots and mess on one side of his crown, the blanket ruffled up past his cheek on the other.

 _Like a giant marshmallow man._ Levi’s brows twitch.

Yawning the old man pushes the tower of warmth down around his muscular waist, tucking in his legs, which are apparently not quite ready to meet the chill of the room. “What time is it?”

“Nearly nine.” He flashes his watch towards him like the man has the sight to see it from over there.

“Ah, breakfast,” he yawns again. Stretching up and popping his spine, he drops a hand to rub at his golden happy trail. Levi blinks the image away.

“Why don’t you stay in bed a bit longer?”

“You want these?” the Commander pulls the keys out from under his pillow.  The one place Levi was sure not to look or remotely approach.

“You did that on purpose,” he scoffs conscious he’s still whispering.

Erwin has the audacity to wink. “Well, I can’t let you do the meeting and do my work. Give and take, Captain, give and take.” He rubs at his eyes, stifling another yawn and earning an annoyed look from Acting-Nurse Levi. “I only have a little work to do. When I’m done, maybe I’ll come back to rest or sit outside.”

“That’s pathetic.”

Erwin pulls himself up, holding the blanket to his waist. “Thank you,” he says, walking off to his bathroom and flashing his naked backside. _He sleeps naked?_

Turning to the door yet again, the Captain exits without another word. Breakfast will be ready soon, and he needs some strength after seeing the other man’s pert ass.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not all glory, it's far from glamour. If he can’t stay afloat, how are they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to my Beta Reader - MossyAbyss - [Tumblr](https://mossyabyss.tumblr.com/)

Erwin makes doubly sure to acknowledge every single salute, greeting and smile that morning. Still sour remembering his near childish tantrum last night, he makes extra sure to show confidence and power, compassion and understanding to all the young faces of the Recon. His throat constricts and his eyes burn, but he swiftly looks to the ceiling and swallows each time to dislodge the building well.

Like a dam - again - he's ready to burst.

Each cadet that passes and acknowledges him brings a life raft, some of whom he knows are starting to hit the homesick, realisation stage of what this path entails. It's not all glory, it's far from glamour. He smiles back, using their names, giving them a paddle to swim along with him.

If he can’t stay afloat, how can they?

He makes a point of stopping to check the cadet’s announcement board to confirm: A. That all the events are within reason… Like: “Fighting tournament to prove who is the best before the next expedition!” No. He strips the flyer down. _We don’t need any broken soldiers before the next expedition, use your brains!_ Then, B. If any of their planned downtime events are appropriate for himself and the veteran squad to appear in as a show of solidarity.

Most of the events, however, are not really what a man of his age, or the people in his squad, would want to do on their own time. Like getting _“Smashed ‘Titan’ Sunday.”_ Getting drunk on a night out wasn’t the issue. Getting drunk in front of still-teen, barely-adult subordinates, however... The memory of a clingy soldier refusing to let go of his neck comes to mind, the memory of his liquid confidence…

Also - _Sunday?_ He could think of a much better way to spend the rare down Sunday, and it involved a bath, a book and a bed. Erwin chuckles to himself, amused that he’s finally reached the age where he’s old enough to appreciate the treasures of a Lazy Sunday.

Maybe the thriller movie night on the court is the safest bet to save face and reduce awkwardness. Plus, Mike has a nice collection of film reels that he’s sure the kids don’t.

Entering the still relatively empty canteen, he strides into the hot bar to see what’s on offer today, Down Days being the only time the kitchen staff has enough time to cook something desirable, not simply – barely – edible.

“Morning, Mouse. All of it, please,” he laughs, smiling along with the ever-chirpy cook, who scoops a good helping of the fry-up onto the plate for him.

A big spoon of baked beans, a ladle of scrambled eggs, two slices- “Three, please,” - of eggy bread, two triangle pieces of toast, three of the “extra crispy ones please, thank you,” hash browns, four slices of bacon and two sausages. 

“You weren’t at dinner the other night, Sir?” It's the cooks' duty to watch who is and isn't eating, to monitor the dietary health of the Corps. He's sure the cook's put a red mark by his name.

“I know!” His stomach growls as he watches the food that will soon be his. “I’m starving, what was it?”

“Ah just a _chicken_ pie and veg,” Mouse uses one hand to air quote the chicken, handing over the freshly cooked plate. “A breakfast biscuit and strawberry yoghurt are over there, Sir.”

“Ah - I’d have eaten it, either way, I was ravenous,” he says, getting his hands on the food. This is the last component that will bring him back to relative normalcy: a proper breakfast. “Thank you, have a good day Mouse!” Erwin shouts over his shoulder, scanning the room for today’s Squad table.

“Morning, Hange,” he greets as he sits down. Hange sits before him surrounded by books, illegible notebooks and diagrams. A half-eaten plate of the same stuff, if not more than his obscene portion, with something else, set beside it… Something suspiciously blood-like. The many documents weren’t just classified work, but personal research. But personal with Zoe meant work anyway.

They were the one Squad Leader he never had to push for work completion. Zoe was a juggernaut for discovering Titan things; they thrived on it, thirsted for it. The one thing he had to pull them up on was the lack of understanding of what _“Classified”_ meant. He gave Hange the customary you-know-this-already look, but by now it had become more of a habit than a reprimand. 

“Refreshed, Erwin?” Their eyes shamelessly scanned him up and down, mentally taking notes.

“Better, yeah-”

They fired up to explode - “Levi told me you cried like a baby - he had to mother you? Can you imagine- Humanity’s Strongest, mothering someone like a lil’ hen? A little clucking mother hen?” Their laughter bounced off the walls, alarming the few recruits that had dragged themselves to the kitchen for first call.

“Sure he did.”

“I said you burst like a baby and stormed off like one of the brats,” Levi explains in lieu of a hello.

“Thanks, Levi.”

The Devil works hard, but Levi Ackerman works harder. _How much had he told Hange?_

The Captain took his place beside Hange, shoving all their stuff away from his personal space, a few papers scattering to the floor. Erwin watches as the muscles on Levi’s forearms tense, resisting the urge to pick up the mess he had created himself. Hange doesn’t even care. Wiping the table down with an extra napkin and mumbling about _bringing unsanctioned things into the eating court,_ Levi was eyeing the substance like it was the black death itself.

“You’re eating that greasy shit?”

“You’re only having toast?”

“Obviously.” The Captain bites into his plain toast, twisting at the lid on the jam pot. “That crap will sit in your body for a week.”

“Awh, Lil’ Hen Levi!” Hange grabs Levi in a vice-like hug, suddenly realising his presence, mussing his hair and earning a near attempt on their life with Levi’s jam knife. “You even look like an angry lil’ hen!”

With his hair mussed like that, Erwin thought he looked more like a feral cat, or perhaps, more appropriately, a kitten.

“Back up, Mirror Glass, get your filthy sodden hands off me!” He slides the coffee across the table to Erwin. “Also, what’s with the creepy shots of my ass in your chest?”

Levi had decided to let it go, but lack of sleep and his ruined morning made him act otherwise. Immediately feeling a twinge of regret once he’d said it, he eats the rest of his toast, grabbing the tea for a distraction.

Erwin stares at him, stunned.

He was more confused by what Levi had said and whether he realised how it sounded out loud. _His ass on my chest? The perfect angle, really, to admire those possible dimples and dips in his back… Would he even be able to straddle my chest?_ _His waist is so tiny, he’d have to spread-_ “What?”

The Captain looked at him with steely eyes over his china cup, the tea steaming up in front of him, giving nothing away.

He feels his cheeks flush ever so slightly, realising Levi must have been looking around his room for his keys when he had obviously stumbled on his photo albums. “Oh – just photos of everyone. Random ones over the last couple of years. Whenever things get really bad, I like to look at them to remember times when it was peaceful enough to even take them.”

“Creep.”

“I quite like photography, actually. You can look at them if you want. It’s not a secret, but your Squad’s in there,” -Levi flinches slightly at the mention of his squad- “everyone is. I’ve just added Yeager and his friends recently.”

“You had time to get a photo of the brats in the last few months?”

Erwin thinks back to the day; it was just after they joined the Corps. “Yes.”

“There are some lovely photos in there, too,” Hange chimes in, twisting the shady looking bottle in their hands and rubbing it between their palms. “There’s one of Petra with her cloak over her head. Remember? You pulled it over her head when she missed the target, asking whether or not she needed glasses. You’re in the background skulking off.”

Levi’s head instantly feels empty. Scrabbling around for anything to change the topic, he bounces the spotlight onto someone else. Unfortunately for Erwin, it’s him. Unfortunately for Levi, it involves letting the other man know that he was in his room for longer than just the photo albums. “Who’s the girl in your desk?” he rushes. He knows it’s Marie, and his teeth grind.

Erwin gives room for a short pause. “Marie.”

“Oh-” slips past his lips, faked and a bit obvious.

“I don’t know why I even have it. It would make more sense to change it to one of the Squad, or even nothing, but I don’t have a lot of old personal photos to do with just myself, so I’ve left it out.” He explains, searching Levi’s face, waiting for him to say, “That’s also creepy, because she’s married, and you left her.”

But he doesn’t. Instead, he says something that even Hange doesn’t respond to: “I have none whatsoever of my family.”

They all awkwardly move to eat their breakfast, dropping all communication in favour of mournful silence. So much has been lost over the years, both direct and indirectly. They all sit, eating and thinking of the things they’ve gained against the losses. Erwin notes that there aren’t many gains.

Hange jumps up from their seat, the bottle of suspicion clenched in their hand. “I have to go!” they exclaim, running to the exit as they leave all their classified papers behind, breakfast plate scraped clean.

“They’ll be back.” Levi sips his tea.

Sure enough, in less than five minutes, Hange slides across the floor on their knees,  scooping up the disorganised frenzy of Levi’s mess and the grime from the floor, letting him breathe a little easier as he watches it being cleaned up- but not any easier for Hange’s now-soiled white trousers and polished boots. Hange carelessly mixes it with those scattered across the table, nabbing a slice of toast from Erwin’s discarded plate before running off again.

“Freak!” Levi shouts after them, nothing short of love in his voice.

The pair remain silent. Erwin watches Levi methodically fold his napkin and clean the surface Hange vacated. At this point, the Captains quirks are well-known, but Erwin can’t help but feel there’s more to them than simple mysophobia. He remembers the room Levi and his small family inhabited while living in the Underground, the pride in Levi’s shoulders that their single room was spotless- that a stranger could walk in and forget that they were in the slums of the Capital.

It’s almost like he’s proving he can be better than his birthplace. Purposefully cleaner.

He’s seen the man covered head to toe in Titan blood, grasping the filthy hands of dying cadets, and yet it still doesn’t bother him. Which makes Erwin think that he’s proving something to someone. Proving that he’s better. Maybe one day he’ll ask him whether it really is just mysophobia, or whether it’s an ingrained habit from his birthplace.

Perhaps that day will be sooner than later, considering that the other man is now asking questions about Erwin’s own buried past, and Marie.

Never, in all the years they’ve known each other, had Levi asked about Marie. Only once, he briefly asked if there was a Mrs Smith.

_“No,” Erwin had laughed bitterly. “There was a long-time relationship- But the circumstances weren’t right.”_

_“You’re an ass to be around?”_

_“She wanted something I couldn’t give her.”_

_“She?”_

Erwin, at the time, had assumed he was simply asking for her name. Levi’s speech habit was clipped, and their friendship was thin back then- Levi liked to talk as little as possible, especially to him. In recent years, he’d begun to rethink-- Perhaps Levi had seen right through him and was being upfront after all by enquiring about his lover’s gender.

Levi has never mentioned her since. His speech habit hadn’t changed either-- Levi’s single words could mean a thousand things.

Marie and Levi. Erwin couldn’t imagine anything so different. He couldn’t fathom them in the same room. Levi was the definition of what Marie hated in the Corp. The fighting, the killing-- being on the edge of life.

It was that intensity of passion that made Erwin so interested in the man. It was the basis of their friendship, Levi’s passion for life and Erwin’s passion for giving life to those that couldn’t fight for it on their own. Levi, in the last few years, had become Erwin’s bullet. His live wire come to life. He couldn’t compare the two at all.

Levi shifts, a pink tinge to his ears. “Your Mum was beautiful.”

Erwin chokes, dabbing at his mouth with the back of his hand. His mother, in the kitchen of their small house, humming. A random tune pops into his head... And she was beautiful. She was stunning. When he was younger, he never appreciated her, never asked enough questions to learn who she was and preserve her memory. Never fully understood how precious all those little moments would be.

“Yes.” He couldn’t say anymore. Levi was watching him again with those careful eyes. “What was your mother like?” he replied.

It was Levi’s turn to look stunned. “I don’t really remember.” 

He was lying. Erwin knew from the way he slightly tilted his head at the end. Levi only moved when he was lying. Otherwise, he was rigid as stone in his truth.

Erwin took a deep resolute breath, “Gym?”

“Why not.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi rubs at his lower back, remembering Erwin’s lips brushing fleetingly across the fabric of his shirt, tickling his stomach. The man’s tears dampening his shirt, feeling warm against his skin. Erwin had asked about many things, but now he seemingly can’t remember. It nags at Levi, and he worries that perhaps the Commander still isn’t well. Why is he so flushed about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to my Beta Reader - MossyAbyss - [Tumblr](https://mossyabyss.tumblr.com/)

The scalding water runs over his bruised, aching body. Levi had been goading Erwin to attack him and not hold back, sniping all sorts of jabs at him (his growing age, his outburst last night, his job, his exes, and far more) until his Commander wouldn’t, or simply couldn’t, hold back.

Endlessly smashing him into the floor, the walls, even cracking his head once on the bench - they finally decided that maybe the mats were a better and safer place to spar. They weren’t very much softer at all, but Levi wasn’t looking for soft.

Sparring had always helped him focus. It was as an aggressive form of release from all his bottled-up emotions. It was an excuse to feel rage without getting blood on his hands from the disgusting Titans. Without adding any more deaths on his conscience.

After the morning he had, he really did let rip on the poor older man. Despite that though, he didn’t manage to pin Erwin once-- which pissed him off even more.

The Captain knew he had hurt Erwin once or twice when the other man wheezed out a harsh laugh or hissed through his clenched teeth. But those small cracks in Erwin’s mask made Levi want to go even harder- he wanted to see more of the man underneath.

Other than that, Erwin had the controlled upper hand of foresight, that came with being considerably taller. Thankfully, this eased some of Levi’s worry about last night- If the other man was this focused, then hopefully it meant that the incident was over as quickly as it had happened.

He still pushed him a little bit further to make sure-- until he was satisfied Erwin was Erwin again.

… … …

Now in the showers, Levi let his rage simmer down in the hot water, washing it down the drain. Feeling the fresh bruises from the gym, using each yellow swell as a mini anchor to the present moment, staying far away from the past. He used each sparring wound as a marker to the next period of time. Time to forget the cadet flying from the 3DMG to be crushed in the hands of the Abnormal.

Let it wash away. Clear away, start again, reset…

Scrubbing until his skin is red and raw, he grabs his towel, tying it tight around his waist, draping another one over his shoulders to fight the chill in the air. He slips his shower slippers back on, walking a memorised path to the grooming mirror. He walks close to the walls, watching Erwin’s back making his long way around the less-tread area of the bathroom. Erwin doesn’t mention a thing.

Speaking around his toothbrush, he curses Erwin, who stands naked in front of the mirror beside him, rounded hip bones resting on the wash bench, “-eed to et lippers for oer, f in dis-usting.”

“Pardon?” Erwin chuckles around his shaver, eyes crinkling.

Spitting into the pristine sink, he snaps back, “You need to get slippers for the showers, it's fucking disgusting.”

“Sounded like that too.” His shoulders shake.

Levi punches the man, making sure his razor is on his cheek when he does, slipping a little cut on his smug face. “Bastard.”

Wiping a wet thumb over the cut, he questions the Captain’s ability to over-obsess. “Levi, you personally clean the officer’s shower room, you’ve designated basins, showerheads and toilets to all the officers on pain of death. What more can you do to prevent contamination?”

“I only clean in here once a month, the cleaning staff do the goddamn rest,” he mumbles incoherently, adding “Not a fucking enough if you ask me,” and grabbing his towel from his shoulders to savagely dry his hair.

“You could always just use your room’s bathroom, but then you’d have to walk there-”

Quickly dropping to the floor with a gasp, Erwin turns mid-exhibitionist-speech to peer down at the Captain kneeling on the floor before him. Levi can feel the man’s eyes on the small of his back, his weakest point. Swooping up in front of him, he pushes the towel into Erwin’s broad chest, the Commander's cheeks turn slightly pink. Perhaps from the heat of the showers? Perhaps from answering the dimple debt with a visual?

It nags at Levi that perhaps the Commander still isn’t still. Why is he flushed about it? Erwin had mumbled into his stomach the other night, mostly gibberish - but one thing embarrassingly stood out. “You have dimples?” Which Levi grudgingly confirmed to distract the man. Does the Commander not remember this? What else has been forgotten?

“Your-” Levi looks physically wounded, gasping for air, “towel is on the floor!”

The Commander watches the younger man’s shoulders shudder with forced control. “Whoopsie.” Erwin mimics, his eyes darkening a bit as if it was too soon to make jokes about the incident.

“Whoopsie? It’s horrid!” Levi volleys, keeping the conversation afloat.

“Levi – do you have mysophobia?”

Apparently, Erwin thought to trudge on too, but Levi wasn’t expecting that. “What do you think?”

Erwin wants to spar with him again seeing that fresh anger, he feels Levi could top him for once. “Well, it’s either that or an exaggerated attempt at distancing yourself from the Underground.” Erwin feels the sting of Levi’s cut as he slaps his face with fresh water. “No one believes you’re less because of where you were raised. You don’t have to obsess to distance yourself.”

The Captain doesn’t move, opting to watch the water swirl in the Commander’s sink. His eyes are distant, his head is lowered. Erwin realises too late that Levi doesn’t know what he means – “Mysophobia is an extreme fear- wrong word for you -but fear of dirt.”

“I’m not afraid of dirt, Erwin!”

Levi storms out as quick as possible, manically repeating to himself to shower in his room despite the distress of bringing the horrors of an expedition into his personal area. He’ll have to start cleaning his room more after washing away the Titan blood.

He shudders, Erwin’s eyes again trained on his lower back. He flushes.

… … …

Tucking in the fresh sheets of his bed, Levi looks around his practically empty room. It’s too clean to be warm and too basic to be lived in.

My-so-pho-bi-a. he used Erwin’s dictionary to look it up and perhaps that was an apt description of his quirks. Erwin seems to have thought about it more than him. He never considered that it was a condition, or thought to look. Erwin had obviously been thinking more deeply on his quirks than necessary.

Leaning back on the wall, looking at the empty desk, shelves and nightstand, he considers what he could do to make his room seem more… homely.

He isn’t the type to really care about interior design. It all has a function so why change it? His time spent in his room is limited to freshening up and sleeping. If he was reading a book he’d sit out in the rec room, letting the noise of others make him feel less empty, stopping his mind from wandering to darker things. Also keeping an eye on their little Titan brat… If he isn’t doing that, then he’s in the gym or with Hange and Mike somewhere.

It may not be homely, but the thought of showering in his room after an expedition makes him cringe. There’s no way he could do it, that blood needs to go down a public drain away from his private space!

There’s a short tap at the door. Erwin enters, freshly shaved, cut so shallow it’s near invisible. He’s disappointed he hadn’t left a deeper mark on the man.

“Levi-” he begins seemingly anxious, “I know you’re mad at me. I know you hate birthdays, and it’s very, very belated, but here,” The Commander places a brown parcel on his desk, smiling shyly, “and here. Those photo albums to look at. Bring them back when you’ve finished.”

The Captain waits till the door shuts before moving. Pushing the albums aside, he marvels at the man’s sixth sense. The brown paper is perfectly wrapped. Just like him, to calculate wrapping.

Levi rubs at his lower back, feeling the two indents, remembering Erwin’s lips brushing fleetingly across the fabric of his shirt, tickling his stomach. The man’s tears dampening the shirt, warm against his skin. Erwin had asked about the dimples, he had asked about the terrible mistake of that night when he drank too much, he mentioned her and whimpered other things, yet now seemingly can’t remember?

Or maybe he does but he doesn’t want to say anything out of embarrassment?

Taking the parcel with him to sit on the floor, he rests against the bed frame trying to remember the last time he unwrapped a gift.

Never.

He had previously scared all the squad into never ever dreaming of giving him a pointless you’re-old-and-getting-closer-to-death gift.

What would anyone even give him? Room decorations? 

Unwrapping the parcel paper, the back of a frame looks up at him. Panic seizes him, if it’s a picture of his damned squad he’ll throw the thing out the window. The simple, light-wood frame suddenly feels heavy. What if it’s Petra with her cloak over her head and him skulking off? 

Placing the frame face down on the floor he goes to retrieve the photo albums, laying them across his lap, boots crossed. He undoes his leg straps to get more comfortable for the onslaught of dead faces he’s bound to see.

Opening the cover, he’s once again confronted by a blind Hange and a running Moblit. Next to them a photo of his face in profile, his wings of freedom on display flying off with his new manoeuvre gear. Whoever took it must be a good photographer- had Erwin had lessons?

Flicking through the pages, not willing to dwell on too many of the unrecognised, forgotten or recent loses, he chooses to only stop on the odd ones. Like Mike and Nanaba drunk at a bar, or Erwin holding Hange bride style in the lab. That must have been when they won the case for more funding.

Erwin on a stage in a suit, his badges reflecting the light, and that damned bolo tie. Nanaba stitching someone’s trousers up. Himself, staring up at a giant-ass tree, looking infinitely tiny...

The brats smiling like idiots hugging each other on graduation day. He smiles at them despite himself. The kids haven’t smiled in a while, perhaps it was a good thing Erwin took photos so these moments weren’t forgotten.

Petra with her cloak over her head…

Like ripping off a band-aid, he flips the frame over and feels his eyes prick with instant self-loathing.

What he sees is more than likely the discussion of how to get those fraudulent papers all those years ago and his declaration of his intent to kill.

Himself, Isabel and Furlan sat in a tight circle on the castle floor the night before the storm. All their faces are visible, Isabel is even smiling, likely diffusing the tension. Furlan doesn’t look too angry either.

Their last night, captured forever in stark black and white.

… … …

Erwin is aware that he’s pacing the room at a feverish rate. Back and forth, back and forth, burning tread into the wooden floor. He senses rather than feels hands tugging at his clothes, pulling at the ungiving harness, not quite feeling the fingers dragging roughly through his hair until he’s brought his hand back down again.

He’s pulled a few strands out in his haste.

By the time he is across the room, he is only just realising he was across the room. It’s disorientating. Although he knows he should stop and sit down to count his breathing, he can’t register the feet he thinks are his own to stand still.

Only when they do still does it become apparent that he’s completely messed up: his harness is dangling around his waist, he’d unbuttoned his shirt only to re-button it wrong, and at some point, he must have tried to right his hair, but now it’s askew to the left.

Looking around the room he starts to wonder why he’s in here, how he got here. He’s hot but he’s cold, his hands are shaking, he’s thirsty but the glass he tries to drink makes him feel sick.

He feels pins and needles in his feet and palms.

The glass is gone.

He’s pacing again but why?

Panic attacks him. Heat overpowering him like a furnace deep in his gut, he feels like he’s swimming through cement, gasping and swallowing water.

He’s missed the council meeting. He’s missed the council meeting. He’s missed the council meeting.

He’s pacing the room, he can feel it by the time he recognises the left wall, he’s looking at the right.

He’s missed the council meeting. 

Levi’s standing in the doorway, paler than usual, worry flooded across his face. How long has he been there?

“Erwin…”

The Captain takes small steps into the room, slowly closing the door behind him. “Sit down.” He looks like he’s approaching a caged animal. His hands are up-- defensively or submissively?-- telling him he’s not a threat. But Levi is a threat, he’s Humanity’s Strongest.

Erwin backs away from him. Levi freezes.

“No. I missed the council meeting,” before he can control himself, Erwin feels his lungs constricting, the room sinking in on itself, and at some point, his arms are reaching out. Levi’s hands are on his face, his small slender fingers cool lines across his blazing skin.

He’s afraid. He chokes out a sob.

Levi’s grey eyes look into him, pure concern flashing behind them and a deeper concern that’s too personal to see. He’s seeing something Levi wouldn’t want him to- his caring side. His peppermint breath comes in steady waves across his face like Morse code.

He’s talking? 

Erwin concentrates his eyes on the Captains mouth following his lips, slowing his own breathing to quiet the noise in his body. He can only hear static and it’s blurring his vision, he wants to sleep and not get up, he wants someone to hold him, he wants to be alone…

“Erwin-” he’s saying my name but the rest is just warm air across his face, he feels Levi’s thumbs rhythmically rubbing over his cheekbones, it makes him flush. He’s hot enough. Erwin focuses on the warmth it leaves, listening to ‘Erwin’ from his lips.

“You’re okay Erwin. Erwin, look at me. You’re okay Erwin. Follow my breathing, breath with me.”

The room goes back to size at the click of someone’s fingers, he decides to take Levi upon his first offer. Latching onto the man’s wrists he pulls him towards the bed, sitting down keeping the Captain's hands firmly planted on his face, anchoring him in the room.

“Let me go a moment Erwin, please. I’m not leaving.”

Levi eases his hands away from the Commanders still too wide-eyed face. Searching for a clean glass, he clocks the spilt, smashed one on the floor. Filling it with icy water, he holds it to Erwin’s lips. “Drink this.”

He drinks it down in gasping gulps as if he can’t breathe at the same time. Levi sits on the bed, his thigh pressed to Erwin’s, rubbing his fingers in Erwin’s undercut, feeling the light sheen of sweat. He feels horribly sick at the thought, but the last time he’d been this close to comforting someone was…

“Thanks for the photo.” He says it as a distraction for both of them, dragging Erwin above water.

Pulling in the air between them, Erwin looks to the Captain, unsure of what he’s mentioning. Seeing the man sink in a bit, he remembers what he was doing before he came back to the room. “Oh-” he says, his voice quivering a little. What photo was it?

He can’t think, Levi looks hurt, but he can’t think.

He remembers.

“Hange took that one when she stole my camera.” Erwin tries to smile; pretty sure he looks like he’s frowning instead.

“You want to know what we were talking about?” Levi sighs.

“I can guess.”

“I was trying to blow Furlan’s plan and just kill you to get the papers.”

Erwin thinks of the man before him, how easy it would be for his tiny self to succeed at that task. He’s thankful that Levi is on his side.

“In the corridor when we were talking, I was-”

“I don’t need to know Levi, you were going to kill me. You were distracting me while either Isabel or Furlan was searching- until that point, you barely even spoke to me.”

Levi looks to the spilt water and glass; it looks like a miniature iceberg scene, shards cutting the surface. Most of the mass of an iceberg is underwater, seemingly like Erwin's suffering health. Levi feels tense.

“I need a break,” he breathes, sensitive to the man’s fingers still at his neck. “Maybe a couple of days out in the country?”

Beyond the wall there’s a perfect little bungalow behind a small stone wall, shielded by trees and bushes. He remembers dismounting his horse to check it out, feeling breathless when he entered to find that it was a perfect haven. He whispers, “Will you come too?”

Erwin’s throat closes over once the words are out, he’s definitely ill.

To make matters worse, the small Captain with the even smaller waist, that dips with dimples, says - “Sure.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you remember that night when we all kept the bar open past hours and we had gotten a little drunker than usual. But you had gotten really drunk? I – I had to take you to your room and when we were in there-”
> 
> “You rejected me.”

The bungalow was still a perfect, little haven. Quaint walls that Erwin had to navigate with only an inch or two between his head and the slightly domed ceiling. The walls were all white-washed, whiter patches in places where frames had long been stripped. Each square looked big enough for a family photo and a scattering of school photos.

He's reminded of his own - bowl cut hair over big (almost touching) eyebrows and red rubbed cheeks, front teeth too big for his mouth. He wonders what Levi’s would have looked like had he had the chance to go to school. Stern and cold like he is now but pocket sized or big grinning face and black wild curly hair? For whatever reason Erwin couldn't imagine a medium, it was either extremes.

Exposed floor boards littered with frayed fabric scattered the way - evidence of a taken rug, a missing board here and there where stash holes lay bare. Valuables were once likely kept in them - jewels, precious heirlooms sometimes a metal tin where food would be cooled like a pantry. Perfect to currently hold their water.

Cosy and quiet. A home. The only issue, “there’s only one bed but it’s a big bed.”

Erwin scanned the room again as if willing a solution with his eyes. Most of the furniture had been taken upon abandonment - on the far wall must have been a wardrobe and dresser, if there was a sofa it had long been looted. He looks to the bed trying to scale how they’ll use it. Head to toe? The bed was too small for Erwin, his feet would dangle off the edge anyway so if Levi harboured a foot phobia it wouldn’t matter.

Levi looks Erwin dead in the eye, his face a mask of pride - “if you think I’m a _‘must have my own bed’_ snob you don’t understand the rules of warmth in the Underground.” He smirks walking further in, flopping on to the bed to test the mattress. If he’s honest he’s also checking it doesn’t puff up dead skin, Erwin refrains from smiling at him.

“Back to the wall, big spoon to Isabel. Furlan lucks out because he’s only got warmth to his back, Isabel is best because-” his hands sweep up and down his body, it's uncharacteristic and awkward, raising one eyebrow as evidence to her fortunate situation, “a bundle of absolute warmth and love don’t you think? and Furlan a boy.”

Erwin laughs, “I should get you out of the wall more often, you relax a couple of fractions.” He was too afraid to comment that the Captain never openly spoke of the Underground or his family. Also, the Captain had openly invited him to look him up and down with a rather amusing gesture for the normally reserved man.

“Plus! I remembered to bring the good stuff,” he swings two bottles of whiskey out of his satchel, “one each.”

“How relaxed do you want me?”

“Enough to get back to Old Erwin?”

The Commander smiles but the mental cut in his side, barely healed from the other night, pulls a bit. He knows it’s not there; he knows he’s tired and ill and Levi is trying to help but drinking might escalate the paranoia.

… … …

“So- So- So this Marie,” Erwin notes the venom put in his exe’s name, it amuses him some, “where she at?”

Levi slurs his words, five mugs deep into his bottle which was now discarded and lost to a missing floorboard. Erwin’s head swims with liquid warmth but he’s still mapping _the bed_ so he knows he’s still aware. Maybe they should sleep the right way around and spoon? Levi said that’s what he use to do. Erwin shifts his weight, an ache had grown in his groin. The Captain would fit very snuggly against him, his head only reaching his chest. _A bundle of absolute warmth._

“Well-” Erwin laughs. It’s a deep laugh, it rumbles. When he opens his eyes, Levi is staring at him in amazement.

“Laugh again.”

“Well-” and he does. He doesn’t know why but the thought of Marie and Levi in this room, the contrast of black and white, night and day, imprisonment and freedom. He laughs low in his throat and realisation strikes him on the face. He’s over Marie, he’s so over Marie. Almost without thinking he speaks out loud, once he realises, he doesn’t stop but looks away from the ruby cheeked Captain as if he’s only spoken the truth to himself.

“That life was - is so different. I can’t even imagine being in that part of my life anymore. God, oh God I loved Marie she was everything that was ideal but that’s it, it was idealistic not realistic. I wanted a home, a wife, some kids and I wanted freedom, outside the wall but that wouldn’t protect her - cracks started showing.”

He looked to the silent man beside him, a gargoyle in all but blood on his cheeks. “I wouldn’t compromise my dream of freedom for Humanity. The love started to not fade, that’s too harsh but ebb then. She looked at me like I was going to die any minute, I looked at her like she was a dream I couldn’t quite catch.”

“You decided to end it?”

“We sat down, we both had things to say.” Erwin can remember her sat across from him in a flowing yellow summer dress, her hair half up cascading down her back. Her eyes tired and sad, her hands clasped in front of her like she was holding on to one last thread of frail hope.

“She said, _‘I want your children and for them to have a father’_ , I said _‘I’d love a child but I want my child to have freedom’._ She said, _‘she wants a husband that’s here every night, home for dinner’”_ he laughs without humour.

Her sweet voice rings in his head, how many times had he replayed this conversation? How many nights did he think he made a mistake, how many times had he rearranged the wording to see if there was another outcome? - “I said, _‘once I reach Commander that might be easier…’”_

“That’s a lie.” Levi whispers.

“Marie knew that too.” He rolled the empty bottle over the floor, watched it catch a screw and roll back. “The conversation turned to her saying she _‘wants to know that her love will reach an old age and peacefully drift in his sleep’._ I looked at her and told her the average age of death for a member of the recon and promised that on death all my stuff would be hers. It wasn’t enough.”

They sat silent, suffocated by memories. They toast to the dead and the dead dreams they’d both had.

“The only man I thought I once loved tried to sell me. Apparently, I’m a rarity. I later found out that he was also preparing me for what his buyer wanted me to do.” The Commander remained motionless, Levi was barely breathing whether from the alcohol or his past sitting in the room with them. Erwin twitched to reach out to him, what was he reliving alone in his head?

“When I resisted, he tried to stab me, said he could sell my skin or some shit.”

“So, you are-” Erwin shook the alcohol from his head with bubbled hysteria and tried to backtrack as sober as possible, “what did you do?”

“I’m quick,” which was an understatement, “I stabbed him and I still hate myself for it.”

“Why?” Erwin wanted to stab the nameless man too.

“Because – because I don’t deserve to suffer the memories of his dying face haunting me. I don't deserve to see all the people who have hurt or wronged me in my head every time I close my eyes. I don't deserve the guilt I feel for deciding that I was better than them and deserve better than them.”

Erwin couldn’t deny it, Levi didn’t deserve half the pain he held. He deserved to be happy for all his achievements, for how far he has brought himself. His liquid confidence jumps to the memory of himself carefully putting an officer to bed after a drunken night and a few sordid confessions. He thinks of it now which he had sworn he would never do but heck the Captain all but called himself –

… … …

_December 29 th \--_

The two of them giggled all the way down the corridor, the Captain’s solid weight on his hip. The sloshed Captain tripped over his boots and screamed at them to _‘get your fucking shit together, leather shits, you dishonourable walking fiends’_ and sometime later, _‘so blessed to have you, my legs are like jelly,’_ followed by a small childish giggle.

Once in his room, the Commander commanded him to get ready for bed.

“A strip tease you say old man! You are perverse, I see you side eying in the showers…” and he proceeded to attempt seduction while trying to take his shirt off from under his harness. The white shirt became crumpled and messed around his upper half, sitting like a cloud around his neck, the dark straps cutting lines across his flat stomach. Erwin thought it was adorable, then thought Levi would kill him.

Levi grabbed and twanged one against his skin, porcelain blushing pink. “Kinky uniform, the Recon doesn’t get enough. I sure don’t.” he winked at Erwin.

Erwin for some bazaar reason winked back, “don’t you know it.”

“Well then Achilles come get some. I won’t tell if you won’t tell.” he continued to wiggle his hips, his shirt becoming more tangled in the harness.

“I think you need to sleep,” but he fidgeted on the spot. _How long had it been?_

“But this bed is so big and I get so cold and you’re so handsome and give me this one night because come on, don’t you feel the tension?” It was out in one heavy whiskey smelling breath.

Erwin had felt some form of tension since Levi put a blade to his throat but that makes it sound like he has a fetish. He strode across the room, placed a hand on the man’s covered shoulder, “let me undo these.”

“To tie me up?” Levi whispered through a yawn.

“I’m not that adventurous sorry.”

Levi winked again and turned in Erwin’s grip, stepped back so his shoulder blades touch the Commanders ribs, “I don’t mind, I just want you to touch me, there’s only so much dreaming can give a man…”

At this point the Commander felt the oxygen in the room vacuum out and had to relieve the man of his now impossible to look at straps.

… … …

 _You've dreamed of me_ \- “Do you remember that night when we all kept the bar open past hours and we had gotten a little drunker than usual. But you had gotten really drunk? I – I had to take you to your room and when we were in there-”

“You rejected me.” Levi looked Erwin in the face, no shame or regret but a hint of not forgotten hurt.

“You’re gay?” Levi gave him the signature _‘are you an imbecile look?’_ he favoured the recruits with. Erwin pleaded his chivalrous behaviour and ignored his blatant blinkered mind, “you were very drunk.”

“Not drunk enough to forget.” Levi snapped back, looking down at his empty glass, likely wishing there was more.

“You’re different when you’re drunk.”

“How so?”

“You’re-” Erwin looked around the room for something to help him but his eyes keep landing on those damned straps, “you’re not so, so-” Erwin leaned over and twanged one of the Captains straps - _up tight like me_. When was the last time he tried to flirt? Did he want to flirt with Levi? Was that even safe?

“You could have just said you’re not interested.”

“You thought I wasn't?”

“So, you’re not?” Levi was getting impatient and drastically more sober. His train of thought was jumping about something the Commander knew he did when he was reluctant to talk. Levi was shutting down, blocking him out.

Erwin feels the alcohol pump harder around his veins, feels the ghost weight that was once Marie sat beside him. The silk of her hair, the smooth plains of her skin. Their breathing laboured; their blood heated. He feels almost wrong thinking of it now but the attraction to her was still there. She was such a powerful, independent, firecracker of a woman and for that she would always have her place in his life, even if there was no going back now.

He edged, sipped his drink, licked his lips, side glancing the enormous presences beside him.

“I find myself attracted to traits.” He thought of the Captain and how he’d become the one man he looked up to as much - if not more so - than his father. “Your strength, your skill, the lilt to your voice,” he sipped some more, flushing several shades of red, “the way that you hold your tea cup-” he tries to mimic with his glass, “in the morning with a delicate touch and by the evening you're holding it for dear life.”

He sips some more. “When you sleep, you curl up with your back to the wall and you make these little snores and you fidget – your nose wrinkles.” The memory of Levi curled up on the floor and sneezing in his sleep, stops him short. “The way you scold Eren to no end but knock anyone else down who does. You’re very protective but you don’t mother, you never did with Isabel and Furlan.”

He checks his face before he continues but the Captain is looking away. It's deja vu of the office the other night, this time it's not his own tears but his private confession. Erwin’s drink is gone.

“In the shower, you seem to disappear from the world and you let all the pain wash away down the drain, I see you watching it go as if you can see it. When you told me you couldn’t read after I tried to get you to read those books in my office, you practically threw yourself into learning and your eyebrows would pinch every time you hit a hard word. You still do that too... Every time I see it happen I think of you in my office defending your _‘just fucking kill it’_ stance-” he peers at his muse again, Levi’s face is blank but Erwin can’t stop so he adds-

“I think you have dimples on your back and I’d like to know if my hands can compass your waist, hips to spine.” He tries to pour from his empty bottle and casually puts in down, hands shaking, face hot. He rolls it away again but this time it hits the screw and spins, falling into the missing floor boards.

“I have dimples." the Captain looked at the abandoned bottles concerned, "I told you the other night but you were obviously out of it.” Levi pulls in a shaking breath, spilling through his lungs like ice, his cheeks no longer hold any blood, “but we can’t, obviously.”

It takes a second for Erwin to understand what he means by _we can’t_ \- “no, I guess not.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think you are the one-man Erwin Smith in this goddamn world that I have respect and adoration for.” It hung in the morning air between them, scandalous and promising.

The Captain followed Erwin’s gaze to the plain wall - time had slipped away from them and the silence was only dragging it out further. With a burst of whiskey courage he adds his own observations as if to balance the world back –

“You seem to always give too much on expeditions,” he doesn’t breathe, clipping his sentences, “and I don’t think others notice that your bedroom door is always locked after an expedition but unlocked a couple of days after. When its locked - you go really quiet and don’t look people in the eye when you talk to them but it’s not noticeable to others I guess...”

Levi rubs at the back of his sweat sheened neck. Suddenly nervous, a rolling fear of rejection in his gut.

“You gaze up an inch - a bit - like you’re afraid to see how they are looking at you. You love food but miss meals, you use the gym how I use it - physical therapy. You touch almost ever cadets’ shoulder at least once a week but your own team you touch between their shoulder blades. You touch my lower back.”

Levi side eyes him, conscious that the man has a question about his back, whether his hands can compass it. Erwin wants to hold him. Erwin is observing him the way he would observe a rough expedition plan. New terrane, new combat, it makes Levi’s skin prickle.

He pales – embarrassed - but continues, “when you sleep, you look stiff as if you’re afraid to relax. I’ve never had that problem because if someone in the Underground wants you dead, you’re dead so you might as well sleep. When you talk of your Dad your voice dips, when you talk of Marie you’re animated. You’re a late-night walker, I’ve spotted you walking under where I sit at night a couple of times, but - you look relaxed, alone in the open.”

The Captains favourite spot is on the second roof of the abandoned stables, the roof slanting enough to be out of view while still having an easy view of the sky and horizon. At night the stars stretch for miles, scattering and clustering, blinking, winking. Levi’s favourite of all, flying across the night, escaping. Every now and again the crickets are disturbed by the crunch of boots on gravel and he’d roll over to look down and see the Commander, walking with leisure, looking up at the sky too. Stars colliding but not touching.

“It appears we’ve been watching each other then.”

Levi huffs out an exasperated rush of air, “you are tall, blonde, broad-”

Erwin chuckles, if it wasn’t for the alcohol Levi would have made him blush, if it wasn’t for the alcohol Levi wouldn’t be saying such things. “Once people talk to me they generally don’t care.”

“I think you are the one-man Erwin Smith in this goddamn world that I have respect and adoration for.”

… … …

Levi lay wide awake. His macho talk about sleeping even while being hunted seemed a long way off but what really pissed him off was why he was lying wide awake.

Apart from the alcoholic buzz in his head that was now pooled in his cheeks, his back is firmly pressed against Erwin’s chest. The decision to spoon was swift and corporal, after all they needed warmth in a house without a proper fire, they needed the best position to utilise the bed, they needed the right comfort for sleep because the mattress was worn… They had to sleep like this because it was safest from attack.

Or so they told each other as they prepared for the night.

The solid chest bracing him was steadily breathing soft puffs of air on to the crown of his head, goose bumps unwarranted crept all over his skin. He knows his stillness is unnatural, he is stiff and rigid, taut like a bow and if Erwin is awake, he would recognise that too. Levi’s the perfect impression of a school boy caught in a scandalous act – spooning with his crush.

What annoys him more is that the rhythmic lull of Erwin’s breathing is so soothing it makes him drift to sleep. A calm sleep that is relaxed and unguarded and that scares him. The gentle wave of Erwin’s chest is like a careful caress to his back, a promise of safe harbour and home.

Therefore, the Captain forces himself to ruin the situation by repeating that he is a subordinate and his Commander is above him in rank meaning he shouldn’t be so soothed.

After all, this sleeping arrangement was because the mattress is worn, and the bungalow was cold and they are both grown ass men who can sleep like this as platonic adults.

Erwin was also wide awake, counting his breathing to make it appear like he was in a peaceful sleep. In reality he’s mesmerised by how small the other man is, lying perfectly head to his chest, feet to his shins. It surprises him how easy it is to fit together. He had always viewed Levi as larger than he really is, a figure larger than life unable to be held but that was the man’s presence not his physical build.

His physical build is solid strength and power, packed into such a petite form. His raven hair fluttering softly tickles his chin, he can smell that coconut wash again. The slight cologne he smelt before sadly smothered by his own.

Levi’s breathing is non-existent, he uses it as a point to break the stillness - “Levi have you died of the cold?” he whispers watching the Captains hair dance in the candle light.

“No.”

Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was because he is ill and wants some form of comfort, but Erwin decides with the sharp ‘ _No’_ to pull his arm out from his side and put his life on the line for a chance. He wraps his arm around Levi’s waist, resting it a little away from the other man’s still chest. He keeps it loose and none threatening then with a not so steady breath, practically offering up his neck for the noose, nuzzles his face into the man’s hair.

Levi gasps but doesn't pull away. He can't seem to fight the urge to sleep anymore.

… … …

Morning breaks and Levi knows several things. One, he has a hangover – a fast, punch to the skull hangover that’s drilling away at the base of his neck, parching his throat and swimming in his gut. Two, his eyes are heavy with the mucky stuff from a deep sleep, he rubs at his eyes furious. Three, he is pleasantly warm and smells of a rich cologne but four, there is no one else in this bed.

He shifts to a sitting position to find no one is in the room either, it’s absolutely still. Butter sunlight filters through the windows and the crack under the door, so it isn’t too late in the morning.

Dressing quickly and quietly, the Captain scrubs at his face and drags some water through his hair. The conversation from last night penetrating his heavy haze, he doesn’t have a _lilt_ to his voice? He coughs, crocks and whispers some gibberish. As for having his back to a wall he wished he had last night. He’ll decidedly ignore that his nose wrinkles and he doesn’t give a fuck about who shreds Eren a new one.

 _Dimples again?!_ Levi pulls his shirt up and turns to the murky mirror, arched awkwardly to see. His spine pulls in creating a clear valley between each side of his ribs and two small points above each Gluteus Medius. Yes, he has dimples and seemingly can’t make Erwin forget it.

Their conversation had been both forward and open which makes Levi’s sick stomach tighten.

He recites what Erwin said to him and what he said in return.

Thankful that if anything, he can argue that he was just answering Erwin’s own observations. Erwin had watched him sleep, well he had watched him too. They have both had watch duties. Levi used the showers to lock (or drain) things away and he recognised Erwin's door habits as the same thing. The Captain abandoned his feeling whereas the Commander stewed in them.

Levi stews in the grimy bathroom rethinking it, he had crossed a line last night, he must retreat lest he gets hurt again.

… … …

The small shielded garden was ill kept and appeared to have be that way before it’s abandonment. The Captain thinks it’s a shame, he likes a nice garden. He’ll never admit it out loud but he likes to look at flowers, the colours and smells, the brightness, it was all so simple. If he could, he would have his own little patch somewhere with a bench to read.

Perhaps he should have some flowers in his room? To look after on the window. Wild ones, bright ones. That would make his room homelier and with what he planned to do now; he’ll be keeping to his room for a while.

He found the Commander around the back of the house, looking out over the woodland and mountains. The sun catching off the jaded leaves and sparking off the far-off rocky range.

“Morning,” Levi obscures his view, “about last night.” Before the Commander can even reply with a morning he soldiers on.

“The Christmas party was a mess, I was a mess, I apologise for any misconduct." he takes a deep bow, "what I recited last night was also not called for, I don’t drink and shouldn’t really because I say shit I shouldn’t,” he pauses, pulls a breath, the air is fresh and crisp. “I think for the safety of professionalism; I should return to the base. You need some alone time anyway to get your shit together besides two superior officers shouldn’t leave Hange in charge.”

Its feeble, he knows it, the look on Erwin’s face says he knew it too. You can’t wash it away and he knows that that was what he was going to try and do. This was an expedition in _‘Saving The Commander’_ and he’ll watch it go down the drain while Erwin stews in his room. It will either go back to normal or he’ll be moved to a different unit.

Erwin appears to shiver, slumping a bit then quickly righting his self, eyes darting to the woods and back to Levi. “Okay.”

That was it.

He turns and walks to where they tethered the horses, mounting and spurring forward.

He rides away hard and fast across the glade, facing the sun, letting it blind him. The air chilling his embarrassed scorched cheeks. His Commander didn’t even fight or resist, his face was blank and passive. Erwin didn’t fight for him and wouldn’t because he’s a subordinate and alcohol knows how to talk big.

He pushes his mare faster, feeling her flank heave. _He didn’t fight for you_ , the voice whispers a remnant of Kenny, his cheating lover, Furlan, Isabel, everyone telling him where he belongs.

 _Why would he?_ Levi bites his tongue, scolding himself – this isn’t how he had planned it to go, Erwin’s reaction was exactly what he expected but the little pit in his stomach suggested it wasn’t what he really wanted. He wanted Erwin to be different.

Whatever reaction he did want, it obviously wasn’t a void look and a dismissive – _okay_. He swallows bile and his past lovers laugher filling his head, he got the reaction he deserved.

“Levi!”

All he can think is how foolish and ridiculous he is for thinking Erwin would have reacted any differently. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Erwin had a woman. Levi had the shower. He had likely left the bed early to get some air, clear his head and let him down easy. It stung more than the Christmas rejection, it stung more than all his friends dying and leaving him, it stung more than his mother. His mare cantered.

The snivelling laughter battered against his skull, taunting him, reminding him of where he truly belonged.

“Levi! Stop!”

Pulling hard on the reins, his horse resisted but turned to face his pursuer.

Before he could tell the man to piss off and slash at him like he would an unwanted admirer in the Underground, Erwin was talking. “Okay. If that’s what you want, you’re right, we can’t. Officially.”

Officially.

It hung in the morning air between them, scandalous and promising.

“But – okay – if that is what you prefer. If not… Come back. Come back.” Erwin’s face is rushed with the speed of his horse, his hair is a mess. He says no more but turns and takes a slow ride back, he doesn’t look over his shoulder. Levi can see the tension in his usually immaculate seating.

The Captain turned to go the other way, turned back and spun a full circle. He jumps off his horse, her breathing laboured, she isn’t meant to be pushed so hard so fast, she isn’t an expedition horse but a horse for training the cadets to ride.

He walks her back to the bungalow.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far, nothing had come of Erwin’s ‘come back,’ what did ‘come back’ mean?
> 
> He wished somehow that he could go back to the cottage and outright ask Erwin ‘so – what the hell is this and how do we proceed? What’s the battle plan? What’s the safe word?’ but instead they tumbled in bed naked together, laughed a lot and spoke of random things. Like Erwin’s favourite colour - green and how he hates his stupid bolo tie.

It was quiet. Erwin sat on the one rickety chair reading over a faded book. After some dusting he had uncovered the title but not the author, _‘Moby Dick’_. He lay the book carefully on the table every now and again, falling deep in to thought where the words were illegible. He ran his finger across the scant markings and let his imagination fill in the complete blanks until it could be picked up again when it became clearer.

He wondered how many books like this – of knowledge, of journaled lives lay outside the wall. One day he thought, he’d like to collect and complete them.

Levi lent against the wall picking lint off his perfect shirt while listening for movement outside the house. His horse was tired and his eyes were heavy. He watched her graze, watched her muscles move. She was a strong horse, fearless, she truest few and he was happy to be one. She had nipped at him on the way back, angry at his harsh treatment earlier. His eyes would involuntarily look to Erwin every time he made a small sound to check that he was alright. He’d watch Erwin’s fingers runover the thin paper as if it were braille before remembering himself and turning away. His movements so small the Commander seemingly never noticed.

Time ticked on, the sunsetting at a blinding angle for the Captain still stuck to the wall (his horse had ventured out of view leaving him without a reasonable distraction) and Erwin nearing the middle of his book was getting tired. He had started taking some notes of his made-up parts of the story. Sometimes he would look out the window and off to the right, catching the swishing of Levi’s mare’s tail. He suppressed a chuckle; whatever Levi was rigidly looking at wasn’t his horse. He sighed, he knew he had overstepped the mark, he should have let the Captain go but after spending time alone, without the watchful eyes of the Corp he had realised just how much Levi meant to him. 

“Perhaps-” Levi didn’t move but rolled his eyes to Erwin, straining his vision. Erwin continued keen to the slight movement, “we should move back to the base.”

“Are you feeling better?”

Erwin paused. He seemed to consider voicing something, some kind of excuse but simply nodded and bagged the book. “It’s about the sea –”

“Sit back down Erwin,” Levi snapped.

… … …

They lay together tangled in their cloaks and each other’s legs and arms, breathing hard and hair mused. Again, Levi chuckled, Erwin softened at the sound despite his acute embarrassment. Despite his embarrassment he would gladly fail at sex again to hear that chuckle.

The Captain chuckled again, sending thrills down Erwin’s back. “Well – perhaps next time?” Levi’s Adam’s apple bobbed on his chest, his chin resting somewhere under his collar bone.

Erwin mumbled a few curses at his _next time_ , his arm still over his eyes. _If I can’t see him, he can’t see me_ childishly running through his head. He felt Levi’s fingers gentle on his wrist, it made him shiver, it made him flush. Never did he think he would feel the Captains hands on him in such a familiar manner or even so tender.

Levi manoeuvred his arm above his head, the cool air hitting his blood-stained cheeks. “Erwin –” he bent his head to him and kissed his lips quickly, softly, still new and unsure, “it’s fine. Next time.”

Before the Commander could argue that it was hardly fine, Levi nuzzled back into his bare chest, resting his hand on his ribs. Erwin noticed the Captain trying to avoid any of the fading bruises, his fingers either stretched or curled to not touch them. He heard Levi sigh quietly once he settled and for the first time since he knew him, he felt the man relax. Drifting slowly with his own breathing, fitted perfectly to his chest and side.

“You know Erwin – apparently 5% of men 40 or over suffer with near complete erectile dysfunction.” Levi laughed, a full body shaking laugh, “you’re obviously not in the 95%.”

Erwin rolled over without any warning pinning a shaking Levi beneath him. It reminded him of sparring, now he was certain he could never spar like an adult with the man again. Levi’s face scrunched up with laughter. His cheeks high up under his eyes, curved, swelling with mirth not sharp and angler like usual. Unlike sparring his body was completely giving, “how old Captain do you think I am?!”

Levi pushed his hands through Erwin’s hair – “oh old man. 49?”

“34!”

“Oh well then – whoopsie.”

… … …

Levi stood at the basin in his room to shave – since the cottage incident he had opted to not spend more than enough time to shower in the communal bathroom. Not that it appeared to matter because Erwin also seemed to be doing the same.

So far, nothing had come of Erwin’s _‘come back,’_ what did _‘come back’_ mean? Apparently, nothing. Apparently, a failed attempt at sex – which still made Levi feel dizzy and lightheaded and still gave him a lot of self-amusement at night. His hard mattress just wasn’t as soft and giving as Erwin’s body and his pillow was far too soft and giving.

The mirror steamed over but by the Goddesses he was blessed with never having much maintenance issues. He could glide the blade across his neck, jaw and cheeks without the mirror from his skills of cleaning in the dark. Like hell would he touch its smeared surface even if he was a bush man.

He wished somehow that he could go back to the cottage and outright ask Erwin _‘so – what the hell is this and how do we proceed? What’s the battle plan? What’s the safe word?’_ but instead they tumbled in bed naked together, laughed a lot and spoke of random things. Like Erwin’s favourite colour - green and how he hates his stupid bolo tie.

Levi dragged the blade across the ceramic, swilling it under the hot tap. He had spent a good hour running his hands through the other man’s hair and it was feather soft, his chin was slightly stubbled. His chest lightly dusted which tickled his chin. He had five bruises from the harness across his ribs, a small scar over his left collar bone. He had an old knee injury that - when he bent his leg - was more comfortable. Which meant Levi was snug between his thighs all evening and night. He has nice thighs.

Surely lying naked together meant only one thing?

Levi liked the bolo tie.

… … …

Erwin sat on his bed, he looked to his clothes and back to his bare feet. Without thinking he rolled back into bed, pulling the duvet over his head, snuggling down to fall back to sleep.

He slept deeply, instantly. His dreams taking him to the cottage, the warmth of alcohol and the calm of a familiar voice. Levi sat talking to him about nothing, in fact the more he concentrated the less it sounded like English. He lent forward, focusing hard. He blinked, Levi’s top was gone, he blinked again and his pants went and again and he was on his back on the bed. He chuckled. He became acutely aware of self in the dream and aware that it was under his control, it was a dream of his after all.

He smiled to himself as Levi beckoned him to try again and fought the awareness that was dragging him awake.

… … …

The Captain sat in Erwin’s office with Commander Pixis. The bold man had taken Erwin’s seat since he wasn’t here and had taken to moving all of the Commanders belongings around, so nothing was where he had left it.

“Where is he Captain?”

Levi chewed that, looking bored out the window and shrugged.

Truth was he wasn’t sure, Erwin had been MIA since the cottage, only glimpsed in peripheral. When they had returned the morning after, he was in high spirits – or at least higher – he waved to leave and went to the capital for work, when he returned, he… went back to work. The Captain had diligently done the same, training the cadets and grilling Eren. He had made light talk in the bathroom one morning, nothing personal or unprofessional and decided to give Erwin space the next after the frosty exchange.

“I’m growing impatient Captain, go find your superior officer.”

He fought to slap the man in the face. Rightfully Erwin was his superior officer but to the Goddesses he'd seen Erwin vulnerable and naked so he aint that superior - not that Pixis knew that. Levi felt his cheeks heat and left the office in search of Erwin, he knew he had screwed up big time.

Attempting to sleep with a superior officer? What the hell was he thinking. The rage built in Levi as he stormed the corridors in search of his Commander, he was foolish and naïve to think _‘come back’_ meant anything more than a leg over that he didn’t even get.

“Four eyes!” Hange jumped, dropping a glass vial on the floor. They both looked at it expecting it to disappear, Levi wanted it to be sentient and attack him so he couldn't go find his Commander. He snapped again when it seemed unlikely – “clean that shit up – where is Erwin?”

Hange pushed their glasses up a bit, scrutinising the Captain, “you seem tense? Frustrated? Flustered? Your cheeks are a little pink - your eyes look a bit more watery that usual –”

“Did I ask about myself?”

“He hasn’t been around all day, why?” their eyes began searching his face for the source of the sudden agitation. Something in the set of their shoulder and the lean of their neck told Levi they knew.

“Pixis wants him that’s why!” he stormed off before he could out his mistakes or lick the substance from the floor and hope it was poisonous.

… … …

Erwin snuggled down into his bed some more. Levi wrapped around his waist, his little fingers in his hair, he was laughing at him. This time he didn’t fail, the flush on Levi’s cheeks was evident enough. It made him preen, he felt like he had succeed in some mammoth task and earned top honours. He murmured his admiration of Levi’s fingers running over his neck and upper back, fluffing his face into the pillow.

Erwin flinched at a cold hand making contact with his shoulder. He rolled reluctant, mumbling incoherent excuses for five more minutes. Levi’s face looked back at him, he reached for him, pulling him on to the bed.

The Captain followed stunned, perching on the side of the mattress with Erwin’s warm hands on his waist. He tucked the blanket down under his knee, “Erwin?” he placed a hand upon his forehead but the Commander seemed fine.

“Come to bed.” He shuffled into Levi’s knee, cheek upon his thigh. His voice was hoarse from sleep and something similar to satisfaction, Levi stilled.

“Erwin – it’s 2 o’clock you have a meeting with Pixis.”

He startled. Jumping up and out of the bed, narrowly missing Levi’s face with his elbow. He started pulling on clothes, forgetting to actually button or use the sleeves and brushing his hair with his fingers and looking for his toothbrush in his shoe box, his bolo, his boots, his watch and like the flip of a switch he stopped. Sat down at the desk and looked around confused. Unexpectedly he said – “did we sleep together?”

The Captain shook his head, worry lining his face.

“I’m sorry Levi, you shouldn’t have had to answer that, I had this weird dream - a cottage - us.”

“That’s true. We didn’t sleep together remember? You’re in the 5%.” He smiled at him, the Commander wilted a little in disappointment. The one trouser leg successfully put on slipping down to the floor.

“But we did share a bed?”

“Yes.” Levi slowly walked over to the distressed man, pulling the blanket with him to cover him up, “you forgot?”

“I didn’t think it was real.”

“Ok –” the Captain stopped, almost reluctant to say it, afraid of his answer, “you don’t regret being in bed together?”

Erwin looked up and smiled, a big broad smile with open blue eyes. “I was reluctant to get out of bed today” he looked almost lost to his abandoned sheets, “because you were in bed with me.”

Levi paled, looking away embarrassed. He quickly held Erwin’s hand though, worried of hurting his already fragile feelings – “I wish we were in bed together but Pixis is in your office.”

“I don’t know what happened. I just – went back to bed.”

“You’re not well Erwin.” He stood in front of him, holding his face. “A couple of nights at the cottage wasn’t enough – I’m not enough to help you either” he mumbled, “especially if you and me are starting something –” he trailed off, dropping his hands. “You need to have a break, a proper break. Go to the medic and tell them what’s going on and I’ll be here for you to help with what I can, when you want it.”

He pushed his head into Levi’s chest and whispered _what are we doing?_

Levi laughed, “being idiots.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Perhaps. I know who I am and what I do and how I do it and why. But what for?” he fell silent - what for? “no – I know what for…” for the greater good of humanity. For freedom for those who don’t know they don’t have it. To make sure that the human race doesn’t live and burn out in this caged realm.

Erwin was never a man to talk much about deeper feelings and thoughts. Too many people thought him a conspirator and radical, mix that with his emotional range - that few thought he had - and they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key. He sat on the plastic seat outside the ominous office of illness and was keenly aware of the memory of the medical office at school. Scuffed knees and bloody nose from talking too much about _“the sea”._

_You’re crazy Smith, Crazy Smith and his Crazy Dad. Crazy Smith and his Crazy Dad. Crazy Smith and his Crazy Dad._

He doesn’t really remember the first time that the Walls became too small for him but after it occurred, he would never look back. His father had pitied him, looked at him with such sympathy and a deeper level of understanding that he would only begin to understand as he matured.

When he looked in the mirror now, he could see that look in his own reflection. When he looked at himself now, he wasn’t quite sure what he saw. That understanding that it was a losing battle, constantly fought and endless. For as long as there was content wealth in the inner wall there would never be a revolution.

Inside the office was no better. It was old and decrepit - a sign of the lack of support the legion got. The lack of medical support the kids got. He got. Erwin swivelled in the seat not because it should move but because it was broken, held together by a couple rusty nails and one leg shorter than the others.

The Doctor sat scribbling away on some parchment, every now and again she’d look at him then return to the paper. Her inkwell was nearly dry and the tip of the quill was blunt, her writing was undecipherable. But then again, she was a doctor it was a professional must that patients couldn’t read their subscriptions.

“Right Commander, after what you’ve told me I think you could benefit from some one on one sessions with the Militaries therapist. You are physically in great health - this is a mental issue.” She looked at him waiting for him to say something, what was he supposed to say? He could have told himself what she was telling him, “you realise it’s actually mandatory that the cadets talk to someone? But apparently that budget doesn’t extend to the senior staff.” She looked angry, she hit the desk a little too hard, removing some plaster from a botched fix.

“Budget is tight Doctor,” he looked to the plaster on the floor, “as I’m sure you are aware. Senior officers are few and need to be constantly available, chitchats aren’t important.” Chitchats with the Military therapist - though he couldn’t prove it - weren’t confidential as well. He couldn’t risk his role by giving them ammunition to kill him with.

“This isn’t a chitchat Commander Erwin Smith. This is your health. Blacking out periods of time, panic attacks and constant sleeping are indicators of a mental health issue. Depression –”

“Stop, no. I just want some time off to go home and sleep and come back.”

She scribbled something on her sheet again, thrusting the quill into the barren inkwell. “Budget Commander. Fine, sleep it off.”

He distrusted her.

… … …

Levi watched Erwin leave for the capital again with little fanfare. Armin had run up to him to tell him something, whatever it was put a small smile on his face and made him pat the boy on the back. The Captain randomly thought of Erwin with his own kids and shortly realised he’d never have any. Hange waved until he was over the hill.

“You can stop now, short-sight.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

 _Were they blind?_ “Why would I?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” they walked off, narrowly missing his swipe at their face.

Either the cadets where being obnoxiously obtuse today or he was in a foul mood. _Poor Eren, poor Eren_. Eren ran some more laps of the field in the rain while the Captain watched under the relative dryness of an umbrella that he forced Mikasa to hold for him. She was furious, it eased his mood a bit to see the absolute distain on her face. Armin sat behind them under the shelter despite being shouted at several times to go inside.

Levi was beginning to admit perhaps the Commander was right in singling the kid out for next in line but the squirt couldn’t stop quaking under every raised voice yet. He imagined Erwin training him to be stronger, braver, more like him. Father to son.

Eren stopped in front of him. Sopping wet, calves caked in mud, hair like rats’ tails, fingers white and lips blue. It was a pitiful sight. The kid gasped between chattering teeth but other than that didn’t freak out and turn into a titan. Mikasa went to move, the Captain felt a drip down the back of his shirt, he sent her a silent look. She spat on the floor in from of him.

He reached out and tapped Eren lightly on the back, it felt weird. “Get inside and shower.”

He turned before Eren could lift his head. If Armin was Erwin’s son, did that make Eren his? If so he was a poor excuse for a father. But perhaps all he was doing was also training him to be stronger, braver but certainly not more like him.

… … …

The showers were empty when he decided to clean up sometime later. He stood in the shower letting the water run down over his aching shoulder. Erwin was probable at home by now, he wondered what his house would look like. Neat and orderly like his office, clean and always ready for guests.

He was paranoid that being alone wasn’t right for the Commander but he wouldn’t admit that Hange was right. He should have tagged along without an invitation.

The Commander didn’t ask him to go with him. _Come back._ Meant nothing.

He worked his shoulder with his fingers, feeling a sudden pop of the joint. It hurt his neck, _great_.

It was idiotic, foolish to even think of a relationship with the Commander. The man was clearly out of his mind at the moment and was seeking comfort in the arms of anyone that was near and sadly that had to be the gay Captain.

Levi rolled his neck testing the new ache. It was better than the shoulder he guessed. At least he could swing his arm now.

He didn’t stand at his basin tonight instead he stopped dead in front of Erwin’s and with a slap of his wash bag he took the place like it was his own. He kept looking around as if he’d get caught but he was certain no one would ever think of the basin as Erwin’s anyway. It was a matter of indirect contact to him and only him. It was childish but he missed him a little less.

The tap was stiffer at this sink and he could feel under his shower slippers the dip of a broken tile. He thought of all the bacteria under that broken tile, lifting with every bit of pressure put on it. Whole dirty hands clasping down on the tap to get it to loosen...

_“You have that basin” “Why?” “Because it’s a better one.”_

He looked to his basin again, even then Erwin had guessed where his thoughts would go with the small details. He ground his teeth and continued to clean up.

… … …

“…sacred and untouchable.” The Wallist continued.

Erwin sat in the confessional booth waiting for his turn to talk. The last time he was in one of these was before he viewed those sacred untouchable walls as a cage. He felt like he was back in the cage now. Back to being a child trapped by what other people were telling him was right and wrong. Taking his right to thoughts and ideas away from him and giving him the answers on a plate prepped to feed thousands.

“How can I help you?”

He didn’t know where to begin. He felt lost despite finding something, he felt split yet held together. He left what he wanted back at the base.

“Do birds like cages? Do they like being fed without the hunt and enjoy the luxury of living while not being hunted by bigger birds of prey?” Erwin meshed his fingers together like a nest to catch little birds, leaning his head back on the wood of the booth. The grain was rough on his skull.

“My mum used to have pet birds. They would fly around and around the cage and on Fridays she would let them fly around and around the living room, she’d place a bit of food in the cage and they’d swoop back in without a second thought. I used to leave the window open a crack to see if they would go for the fresh air but – they never did.”

He closed his eyes thinking of the small living room. His mother was a minimalist whether it was preference or necessity of a small space he never knew. But after staring at the walls around his school all day and the great Walls around his city, home felt open and huge. She kept the living room tidy and airy, it was never cramped, it felt endlessly like freedom with fresh colours and plenty of light.

Yet – she kept a birdcage as if a reminder to herself, her husband or son that outside there was a bigger birdcage.

“They died in that cage too. I came downstairs Tuesday to feed them – Tuesdays was my feeding day and they both lay at the base of the cage dead. She didn’t bury them outside, they were small enough to go down the toilet to the underground. I don’t know if they ever were outside in the open those birds. My earliest memory of them is in that cage.”

The Wallist was silent. Erwin didn’t know why he came to the Church of the Wall again, he stopped entertaining it when he stopped understanding the Walls, he would stay at home with his father and he would talk to him of the sea. His mother would come home and they would talk of it no more. He didn’t want to talk regularly to a therapist. He didn’t want a military therapist, rightly or wrongly knowing his problems, the gnawing suspicion that the person would report to another just to close the Scouting Legion down was to acute for him to even consider it but an anonymous Wallist?

“Are you the trapped bird?”

He considered it. Even when the Captain and he had gone outside the wall to the cottage he felt trapped. Trapped by his own circumstance, trapped by his own body and mind. Those birds were trapped by similar things and seemed to not know how to solve it.

“Perhaps. I know who I am and what I do and how I do it and why. But what for?” he fell silent - _what for?_ “no – I know what for…” _for the greater good of humanity. For freedom for those who don’t know they don’t have it. To make sure that the human race doesn’t live and burn out in this caged realm._

“Do you?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This thing between himself and Levi was so new working out the do’s and don’t was proving quite hard. He lent back again, slipping in the seat some more and was content to watch Levi fight sleep. “We should just share a room.”

He was giddy.

Butterflies - no, sparrows - were wreaking havoc in his stomach. He handed over the envelop to the postman, for a split second he refused to let go afraid that it was childish and a huge miscalculation. He let go - it felt like flying.

The city was lovely. It was bound to be. It was kept just so to show everyone the success of the rich and privileged. He was, whether he liked it or not, one of those privileged and he had to acknowledge that. If he were to walk away from the Corp or the higher ups chose to stop funding and watch it all crumble, he could walk away back to his house in the city and live safely till death.

He knew some of the kids would have nowhere to go, their towns destroyed and open to the titans. He knew most of his squad had enough saved now to at least be happy.

He knew Levi didn’t. Levi had come from the Underground, would he fly back like those birds or would he figure out a way to live above ground? He had no certificates or guarantee or family. He had a name and a reputation but if the corp crumbled then that would be all for nothing. Erwin had taken Isabel and Furlan away from him, had stripped him of his stronghold in the underground and his outlaw reputation. He would go back squeaky clean with no gang around him and have to work his way back up again.

They could go live together in the cottage.

Erwin had no idea what to expect but he prepared anyway. He went shopping, bought all the luxuries he missed and all those he thought should be tried. He got some new sheets, pillows - he got some candles which made him laugh the moment they dropped into his basket. He bought some whiskey. The woman at the till smiled at him inquiring if there was a special occasion. He honestly told her it was just nice to be home and have the evening to (hopefully) entertain a special guest.

By the time he reached his doorstep a small figure in black was loitering in the doorway eying up the Church of the Wall. Glaring at the military police that were searching the streets. The scowl on his face was pure judgement.

“Captain.” Erwin smiled, he hadn’t expected the man to drop everything and arrive quite so soon but it made his head dizzy to think of him reading the letter then rushing over. “My keys are in my back pocket.”

“Classic Erwin.” Levi’s fingers delicately retrieved the keys with as little contact with his ass as possible. He stifled a laugh, catching Levi’s attempt at keeping his scowl in place.

He had moved from his parent’s home years ago, from one side of the street to the other. From his small window he could see the new family occupying the Smiths old abode. The house was exactly the same as he remembered from the window view. The main difference that Erwin couldn’t avoid was that he was not a minimalist, even if it was necessary.

Books littered everywhere, though he would have that either way being an avid reader. Papers covered most surfaces, classified and public, some bound, others not. Little wooden ornaments where everywhere some old and worn from being held, others intricate and delicate. It made the small home smaller but it was homely.

Levi picked one of the carvings up, toying with it in nimble fingers. “You carved this?”

“Yeah.” He had carved little things since he was little himself to bring all the images in his books to life.

“I expected your house to be tidy. Like your office.” Levi wandered to the crammed bookshelf and was relieved to not see tactical military books but more fantastical names.

“Well – No.” he stumbled his way to the small kitchen at the back starting to empty the bags on the side. He had everything - sweet, sugary and sour. Levi was watching from the living room aghast at all the stuff, he stepped forward when the tea bags rolled to the floor. “You can put the kettle on if you want?”

“I want to know why I’m here.”

Erwin dropped the stuff. “I went to talk to a Wallist.” Levi scowled, rolling the little horse in his hands, galloping over his bruised knuckles, “I started talking about everything because it’s easier to talk to a wall than it is to talk to a face. Did I tell you my mum kept birds in a cage? They always returned to that cage, they died in that cage -”

He picked the tea bags up, filling the kettle to bring it to boil. “I fight for everyone else because I can see the cage. I fought for those birds without hurting my mum by cracking the window open. Purposefully took my time leaving the house, left the door open longer than necessary. I’d clean the cage near the window too. But never obviously because - she loved those birds.”

The kettle whistled, he poured out a cup for Levi, grabbed the coffee for himself and ripped the seal on some cream puffs. The last time he had a cream puff he was in Commander Shadis’ office celebrating his new rank. “People love the walls, they don’t know it’s a cage or if they do – they don’t care enough to change it. If I’m too obvious I’ll be killed, the corp with crumble and you’ll have to return to your cage – the Underground. The kids too.”

He took a bite, the cream oozing through the pastry on to his fingers. Levi took his tea eying the cake at Erwin’s mouth. He pointed to the other before licking his finger. Levi stepped back. “You’re stalling the conversation. I have know Idea what you are talking about either -”

“My Dad was like me. He saw the cage. My Mum was the birds. He subtly tried to open the cage for her but he never pushed. Why? Because he loved her and he wanted her more than he wanted freedom. He had a bit of freedom with her. But he never gave up. When we succeed with all this Captain, what happens to us?”

 _To us?_ It rang in his head. When the mission is complete. When the walls are down. _What then?_

Levi held the cream puff, he pulled the top off and smelt the cream, dipping his little finger in to test the taste, his eyes gave nothing away but he put the cake back down. Replacing it with his black tea.

“I’ve put all my eggs in one basket and I know it’s not the answer but once this is done – at the moment – I’ll be done. I’ll have nothing –”

“The sea?” Levi sipped, “you’re books?”

“You?”

Levi slowly drank his tea in silence. It burnt the roof of his mouth and tasted bitter, he guessed this was the taste of better richer tea bags. He preferred his cheap ones. His fingers warmed around the cup and despite the clutter of Erwin’s home he felt himself relax a bit. This mess was Erwin’s world and it was surprisingly homely considering the Commanders clinical office. It was far more homely than Levi’s sole room that would never rightfully belong to him. The other man was right of course, after it was all over, if he survived? Where would he go?

“I’m not your answer to this.” He looked at the thing Erwin had bought, it was horrible – too sweet and the outer stuff was too bland.

“I know you aren’t,” Erwin smiled, “but I’m not looking for an answer to me at the moment I’m looking at another –”

“Cage.”

“Basket. It’s a completely different cage though isn’t it – a relationship. It’s a cage with an open door.” Erwin’s voice was wavering. His eyes on Levi’s untouched cake. “It’s a bond of respect and trust, a chance to shut the door and just live life for even an hour or just 9pm till 6am awake up.”

“A relationship with a subordinate.” Levi felt his words like a slap to Erwin’s face but the reality was stark. It was only the truth that the Commander was avoiding, noses would turn up, eyes would search over everything. He used Erwin’s silence to pinch some other tea bags from the shopping bags, he had brought 4 different types one of them had to be better.

“Erwin – it’s stupid.” Levi couldn’t help the flutter of his pulse at his neck, the idea of a home with someone was nice. He’d rarely say it out loud but he missed his small family.

“You said we were being idiots.”

“Yeah – you’re not well.” He countered, afraid Erwin was using him to solve a problem that was personal, “I’m not going to make you any better, I can’t fix your depression –”

“I don’t want you too” Erwin’s words were intense, “this isn’t about that.”

“Isn’t it?” Levi stood back, “isn’t this a veiled attempt at being happy? Even if it’s temporary. The cottage Erwin was only 2 weeks ago, you were happy for an hour or two then you crashed. I can’t hold your happiness for you Erwin – I can’t hold my own.”

“Forget that. This isn’t about depression or temporary happiness. Levi this is about wanting more than just the endless road to being outside the Walls. I don’t want your salvation; I want your hand in mine regardless of my personal issues. I don’t want your happiness. I want _you_ to have your _own_ happiness, I want to have my own happiness too.”

Erwin shifted, searching for the words to explain that this wasn’t an attempt at avoiding, this was two people sharing their messed-up lives together, understanding each other. “Then – I want to enjoy that with you. I don’t have that myself now but that doesn’t mean – that doesn’t mean I won’t help myself and you won’t help me, help myself. It’s a promise. Through thick and thin. Through depression and happiness. Through –”

“Are we married now?”

Erwin laughed. He laughed loud and spilt some coffee on his white shirt which made Levi scowl some more. He took a step back and rooted through a dropped bag and brought out Levi’s cheap tea bags, placing them on the table in front of them.

“It’s knowing what tea bags make you happy but trying other ones too. Together.”

Levi stepped up to the sink to boil the kettle, grabbing a wet cloth on the way. He dabbed it on Erwin’s white shirt.

“You’re ruined.”

“Are you talking to the shirt?”

“Yes.” Levi left his hand on Erwin’s chest. “It’s having a back to sleep against at night when you can’t sleep for some fucked up reason that can’t be fixed but knowing someone is there anyway.”

Erwin touched the base of Levi’s neck, letting him lean his head back into his palm. He brushed his lips against Levi’s waiting for him to kiss him back then kissed him more deeply, answering his question unquestionably.

The Captain pulled back with a glare. “That’s disgusting whatever it is.”

“Cream Puffs?”

… … …

Erwin sat at his desk insistently tapping his pen unable to write the new letter for an expedition. Having to give good reasoning, different than the time before was hard. Having to constantly convince someone who couldn’t care less that freedom was good was draining in every way.

He lent back in his chair stretching his long legs out under the desk, he felt his harness tighten on his chest as he slipped a little off the chair. Sighing at this endless endeavour was pointless so he puffed his cheeks and held his breath till his lungs burned. A little tap at the door nearly missed his ears.

Levi stood in the doorway looking haggard with a shaking cup of tea in his hands. He pushed in without a hello and dropped into the nearest seat.

Erwin relocked the door going back to his work. He watched Levi stare at his cup for twenty minutes before he asked, “what’s wrong?”

The Captain let out a breath and went into a minute by minute account of his board meeting with the 3DMG design department and the improvements they wanted to make and then the argument he had with the director about not wanting them to touch his stuff. Then Commander Bold-Ball-Sack arguing with him about rankings and orders.

“But why do you look so tired?”

“I didn’t sleep well last night.” He waved him off, continuing to tell him how he broke into the equipment shed to steal and stash his gear.

“Why didn’t you come see me?”

He was obviously speaking in tongues judging by the way the Captain eyed him up. “Why would I for something like that?”

Erwin said nothing but dropped his eyes to the work at hand. He scribbled some notes down about previous reasons he had scrounged together before and how he could reword them. In the end it was simple.

_This expedition is for the gathering of information of agricultural purposes to further expand the farm land to the outer gates and the maintaining of the ground structure around the Wall so the Garrisons’ wall maintenance isn’t effected by land issues. It is planned as well that a review of the newest recruits will be underway to ensure that only the best remain so as not to-_

He wanted to write stretch the already small budge to house more children than necessary but knew the sarcasm wouldn’t hit home at the receiving end.

_-threaten anymore lives of the brave scouts that follow the call to the Wings of Freedom._

_…Yours Sincerely_

_Smith, Erwin._

_13 th Commander of the Scouting Legion._

This thing between himself and Levi was so new working out the do’s and don’t was proving quite hard. He lent back again, slipping in the seat some more and was content to watch Levi fight sleep. “We should just share a room.”

Levi’s head snapped up instantly, his eyes alarmingly wide but the small smile on his face suggested he wasn’t absolutely horrified with going 1 to 100 in 2 weeks. He was about to say something, presumably sarcastic or scathing when a knock and an abrupt attempt at opening his door forced his attention away. Levi barely moved at the surprise noise, his eyes fixed on Erwin.

Hange stood jittering in the doorway, they pushed in with an aborted salute. Hange spun when they saw Levi and looked hard at Erwin, back and forth before dropping onto the edge of the Commanders desk a vial of something red.

Levi scoffed, disgusted.

“This is Eren’s blood. I’ve been testing it for weeks and –” “and we have an expedition coming up so get ready for it.” “– but –”

Erwin held Hange’s shoulders firmly holding them in place, he looked at them as intently as possible. “You can bring and continue your research Hange while we are gathering information outside of the Wall. Hopefully add to it with the help of Captain Ackerman and his training with Cadet Yeager.”

Hange looked to Erwin then to Levi who shrugged and gave her a three fingers signal, three fingers for _we're cornered_ “oh – ooooooh” Hange winked, “yes. Outside the wall. Ok. Research outside the wall. Away.” they showed three fingers too, splitting them as if to emphasise getting away. Winking at the Captain.

“Take the goddamn blood with you freak!” Levi hissed half out of his seat ready to chase.

“Take _yourselves_ to a bedroom!” they laughed skipping back to the table, flashing out the room again.

“Captain perhaps we should check if the Commander is off yet?” Erwin was blushing.

“Whatever.”

… … …

Commander Pixis was stalling. He was doing his dandiest to take as much time as possible, stretching his legs with some farce about the long ride, swinging his arms complaining about a weak shoulder joint. Levi offered to help him pop it, the Bold-Ball-Sack was quick to refuse.

“Where are the rest of your men Commander? I was sure there were fifteen including yourself.” Erwin casually stated, looking around as if to pick them out of the shadows looting this recruits.

“They must be rush packing.” The man laughed, squatting at a poor angle.

“I thought I saw one in the labs on the way here, complete opposite direction to the barracks.” Levi drawled, eyes on the man bouncing around embarrassing himself.

“Ah that might have been Steve he’s rather fond of science.”

“Really?” Erwin enquired, “he should consider a transfer then; we have enough space. Hange could always use an extra pair of hands, poor Moblit is tired.”

Commander Pixis’ chuckle was dark, “perhaps.”

“Have you enjoyed your short stay?” the Commanders voice was sweet but his words were sharp.

“Yes, thank you. Are you well now?”

Erwin’s jaw clenched, “Well - Sir?”

“Yes – word has it you were out of action for a while, the Captain was parading Commander for a bit?” he fakes concern, “not quite Commander material our Underground-ling. Word is you took leave?”

Erwin pinched his wrist. He knew it. He knew the Doctor was no safe place, he knew he had opened a hole for them to worm in and eat away at the corp from the top. He had to close it. “Yes. I took some overdue time off. Spent the weekend eating luxuries and mainly sleeping. I don’t know about not being well but my sleeping was off after the last expedition. Perhaps that’s what you meant?”

He felt Levi’s arm at his side, a breath apart. He was stuck with what to do, he felt exposed, open to judgement so he made the gap more pronounce. Distancing himself as if to top everyone else falling around him. In his peripheral he saw Levi turn his head away and tense his shoulders. He made the wrong move but how could he take it back now, Pixis knew he was a drowning man.

… … …

When Commander Pixis and his men were all in the carriages, Levi stormed off. Heading straight for the stables. Erwin shouted after him. He didn’t saddle his horse, he jumped nimbly up on her back, dug his heels in, laying flat to her flank. The wind tore at his face, making his eyes stream. He wasn’t heading for the wall, he was heading for the next village. He was trapped and he couldn’t get away fast enough.

No one came after him. No one. Erwin only shouted once.

He pulled up short before the village, the lights in the windows winking in the distant. His mare turned as if to return to base, he pulled her mane, she trotted in a circle scuffing at the ground, irritated. He was irritated too. He should have trusted himself and his position.

Instead he started talking about bloody birds in a cage and eggs in more baskets. All he needed was a wall to sleep against not a warm back. Who needed a home?

He lay down on her flank again running his hands over her neck whispering to her to calm herself. She listened, starting to nibble at the ground. Levi stood beside her while she grazed. He tried fruitlessly to put himself in Erwin’s shoes.

Commander of a dying sector of the Military. Commander of the most publicly hated part of the Military. Stupid lovely women memorialised on his desk. His mare nipped at him, demanding he be calm too. He stroked her, holding her cheek. Her breath came in cool waves on his shoulder. A Commander with a squad of veterans and a legion of kids. Kids who endlessly die no matter the training. No matter how hard he trained Eren there was no guarantee the boy would be safe.

The Wings of Freedom rested solely between the Commanders shoulder blades and all anyone could do was fight beside him.

Depression. Anxiety. Paranoia.

“Easy girl.” He patted her shoulder.

The Commander didn’t need a personal commitment, he needed public support in a solid Captain. But what did the Captain need? He would just have to deal with the fall out of falling for the unreachable in his spare time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was his life and it would be until he found himself on the receiving end of a titan.
> 
> But the ache. The ache was piercing, it tore at his skin, it drilled in his head. It made his eyes well and his breathing hitch. He dropped to the cot and wept, no one would hear, and no one could report to the council that he was a drowning man who couldn’t swim.

**WARNING - Animal Death. ***  

… … … 

The communal bathroom was full today. Erwin agilely stepped around other officers and a few special cadets without touching them to make it to his basin. To his side the Captain was deftly running a blade across his neck, eyes alert to the commotion around him but hands steady, seemingly working between heartbeats.

Today was the day of the expedition, by noon they would all be on horseback and ready to ride to the ridge beyond the wall towards the expected camp site. If all went well, they would reach the location untouched and set up before dark.

Erwin looked at his reflection in the fogged glass, he darkly thought he never looked more truer to how he felt. Smoke and mirrors. He swept a hand over the steam and got a good look at the dark bags under his eyes. After Pixis had left he found it easier to fall back into the normal routine of being the Commander, he had got back on top of all his work, he had successfully capped all the cracks in his skin and pulled his shit together.

Alone at night however, the tiles were mesmerising and the hollow ache in his chest threatened. The ache had nothing to do with his depression. The ache had everything to do with the cold distant man beside him.

Erwin spent a good portion of his long lonely nights in the spare room by his office - rearranging, preparing, nesting. So far, he had space for a table and two chairs, a stand with cutlery, plates, a kettle. The bed, a double wardrobe - he put a curtain rail up last night but was yet to find the right curtains. The only accessories in it at the moment were the photo albums of the legion. Alongside two frames, the team photo of the veteran squad and him receiving his bolo tie.

This nocturnal activity was seemingly all for nothing.

Levi returned from wherever he went a different person. All angles and sharp lines yet again. His eyes blank and his jaw set, he walked into Erwin’s room to set the deal.

_“Whatever this unnamed thing is, it aint a relationship and it never will be. When the time comes and we’re free, I’m going home. Commander. I will be your Captain and stand beside you as such.”_

Something snapped in Erwin then, something more pronounce than the depression. In its place a dam burst and it burst again every night alone in his room, alone in the would be shared room. When he saw the Captain in the day it filled back up ready to be released again. It was equally as destabilising as his mental health but it was rightly or wronging, distracting him from those issues.

Levi’s deal had become a buoy to his depression. Levi was going to be by his side regardless of where he took him. Erwin had never had such a force make such a solid stand beside him. If Levi could shut off their personal interest so easily so could he.

The Captain had been a rock the past two week, chewing and spitting out any insubordination towards him. Dealing with all the smaller issues that he could managed, taking part of the load. He was always by his side at meetings (to the wary surprise of the other attendees) adding a solid backup to all his plans and lending a strength to them that the council couldn’t ignore. Whatever snapped in Levi had helped Erwin refocus but it only left one thing other to focus on. Their failed attempt at a private life.

But the other man was cold. So cold. Erwin resisted the past two weeks to rub some life into his skin. He was an iceberg, drifting further away out at sea and Erwin couldn’t see the sea or swim or –

“Pull your shit together Commander.”

Erwin looked at Levi in the mirror and continued to shave. Before they left for the expedition, he brought two fine china cups into his mock-up of a private life. He was surprised to see some flowers on the window ledge, perhaps Levi’s anger at him was waning slowly?

… … …

*****

The race to the ridge was hard, the titans were ready. Something was wrong, very wrong. His stirrup wasn’t right, his stallion was veering towards the mares. An Abnormal was off to the side destroying the formation but the Captain had it. He released his 3DMG and flew. Erwin shouted for them to continue, leave it to the Captain. Pull formation. Get back in line. Stay in line. Leave line then stay behind.

A scream rang from the left, the cadet wasn’t fast enough, her 3DMG was jammed, she never pulled her blade. The other cadets scattered.

Erwin turned his horse, firing off his gear into the neck of the titan, he swung up flying off. Soaring through the air, his cloak tight against his throat. He thought of the cracked open window, the birds in their cage. Levi underground, the flowers on the window ledge. He spun slicing into the titan’s neck with precision from years of this very same scene playing out a thousand times.

The blood on the grass was boiling by the time he landed. He felt his ankle buckle but ran forward for his horse. Getting back into the saddle.

Forward. On. Get back in formation. Stay in line. Get to the ridge.

 ***** As always, the Captain came in last. His mare cantering to the side. He stepped down and without a word ran his blade mercilessly across her throat. She fell instantly at the clean cut. Her eyes glassy. He stooped and stroked her neck, holding her cheek with care and a deep sadness.

“Are you injured?” Erwin heard himself ask. He didn’t stop to listen turning without thinking, stuck in Commander mode.

“Yes.”

He stopped. Levi walked past him without saying where or how, the blood from his mare on his hands was it all his? The world crackled around Erwin.

… … …

As usual the medical tent was full. Cadets with cuts and bruises. Levi sat off to the back of the tent with the nurse wrapping a bandage around his torso. Erwin stood back stunned. He was injured. He had ordered them on and forward, left the Captain behind. As always but this time he might not have come back. He might have never seen him again.

“You’re limping?” Levi was staring at his foot like it affronted him.

He might have never seen that unchecked anger again. All those half attempts at a private life would remain half attempts never fulfilled. That weekend could have been the last time he held Levi’s small back, felt his fingers in his hair.

“My stirrup wasn’t right. I think I twisted it when I jumped.” He sat down on the cot. “What happened Levi?”

Levi was so small when he flew off the horse, a little dot, a robin in the air. He could have lost ever seeing him fly again.

Levi took a short breath, it clearly hurt him, his knuckles white on the cots edge. Erwin put his hand beside his, carefully brushing his little finger. He regretted it instantly but didn’t take it away, for whatever reason he couldn’t bring himself to break that little touch. He had to touch him to know he wasn’t dead or stone cold. The heat radiated off Levi, Erwin took comfort in it. Levi wordlessly laced their little fingers together.

“I got caught on another Abnormal, it pulled my wires I crashed into its teeth –” visions of Levi in the titan’s mouth ran through Erwin’s head. The young cadet being pulled back on her wires flashed before him, this time it was Levi. Small and cold and distant. “Stupid thing didn’t open its mouth. Crushed some ribs.” He gasped. Erwin flinched beside him.

Visions of Levi nuzzling his chest, chuckling at his impotence. Sad over his stained shirt, hating nearly every cake he tried. Cursing at the milk he added to his tea. All crushed like some ribs.

“How many did we lose?”

“3.” Erwin clenched his fist, “Jackson, Yasmin and Bobby.”

… … …

He couldn’t do it. On returning to the compound he couldn’t sit in his office alone again to write a goddamn condolence letter. The empty words and repetition played in his mind on his ride to the cottage. The fake duel personality of Commander Erwin Smith mocking him in the shadows. How could he be the ruthless leader of the corp if he couldn’t simply hand a letter to a family?

Jackson was a brother to two young sisters and his father was a deceased Scout himself. His mother would be destroyed, all the men in her life dead because Commander Erwin Smith ordered it.

Yasmin was as far as he knew an orphan. An orphan who wanted to be something more. He had no idea how her parents had died but it was likely a titan, directly or indirectly. Who would remember her? He would. He would see her every night till his brain ceased firing signals to keep moving forward and hold the damn line.

Bobby – Bobby was green. As green as a green can be and he had authorised his place on the expedition. He wasn’t even a cadet long enough for him to know who he was going to face when he handed them the letter.

Erwin felt the dam burst before he reached the cottage, he stumbled inside and retched on his hands and knees on the floor. Nothing came, he had nothing to give.

Levi had nearly died.

He had ordered everyone to move on without a backwards glance but that was the harsh truth. Why was Levi more important than Jackson, Yasmin or Bobby? His decision was exactly the right one as a Commander. The Captain couldn’t expect anything else. No special treatment, no safeguard.

This was his life and it would be until he found himself on the receiving end of a titan.

But the ache. The ache was piercing, it tore at his skin, it drilled in his head. It made his eyes well and his breathing hitch. He dropped to the cot and wept, no one would hear, and no one could report to the council that he was a drowning man who couldn’t swim.

He realised now that he had no choice. He was a Commander before he was anything else and that was why he was falling apart. He had to accept that he was the man who the people thought he was, he is a manipulative single-minded fuck that fights for them, for what they didn’t know they wanted. Only a few, barely a handful saw beneath that and the one he cared enough for he had nearly sent to an early death.

It hurt to admit that he would have, if he had too. Could Levi ever forgive him? Could he shut the door to Levi after seeing what was on the other side? He fell asleep twisted in half dreams and nightmares.

… … …

Erwin made his way back to the base via a small town. He called in quickly to pick up some softer bedding and finally picked some curtains. He rode back slowly, passing the stables in a wide arc he saw Levi trotting in circles with his new horse. Taking her round and round, watching her steps, praising her walk. He looked happy.

By the time he stabled his own Levi was gone. Erwin felt his eyes prick.

Instead of going to his office he went straight to his new room, unlocking the door he panicked. The lock was scratched. He opened the door to see Levi sat at the table with a cup of tea and an upside down frame under his hand. The photo albums were open in front of him and the two photos he had framed sat on the dresser along with the one he had given Levi of himself, Isabel and Furlan.

He shut the door, consciously taking his boots off on the mat he bought and took the opposite seat, depositing the shopping on the bed. “You’ve cleaned in here?” the smell of bleach was heavy, the window open fluttering the recently watered flowers.

“You can’t expect me to live with you without cleaning the place? Well done for taking your boots off.” Levi gave a sarcastic clap.

Erwin sipped his coffee saying nothing, wiggling his toes in the air, his socks were damp from the cleaned floor.

“You obviously don’t know me enough either.” Levi pulled back, settling in for whatever rant he was about to unleash on him. “I have issues too Erwin.” He let that hang for a bit, “no one – apart from Hange, likely – knows about this. So flinching away from me because Commander Pixis was grilling you for being ill doesn’t affect him. It affects me.”

Erwin lent over to rush a response that it was a Commander thing, that he wasn’t thinking, but Levi wasn’t finished. “This – also isn’t going to happen overnight. No matter how long we’ve liked each other, we’re constantly working. Finding time to have a life isn’t easy so this isn’t going to fall into place easy either. I should have come to you when I couldn’t sleep but the last time I had something like that was with Isabel and Furlan, I wanted to kill you back then now I want to sleep with you. That didn’t happen overnight, it happened while drunk at Christmas. With you I’m guessing the last person you wanted anything with was Marie?”

“Yes –” Erwin found his voice, “I’m sorry Levi, you’re always so strong - you never appear weak, you always seem ready. You're like a juggernaut, Humanities Strongest -”

“I’m not a monster Erwin.”

Erwin reached across the table and took Levi’s small hand, “I know.”

“Also – I get angry quick but let it go slowly.”

“I’ve noticed. I thought I had burnt everything with one miscalculated move.” He chuckled.

“If one move kills us we're doomed. New deal.” Levi slid the frame across the table stopping Erwin from turning it, “I’m fine with moving straight in, I miss your home in the city already. I want those little carvings in here.” Erwin laughed and nodded his assent. “- that’s it.”

Erwin flipped the frame; it was the photo of Levi under the tree in the capitals garden. He was sat in loose trousers and a flowing white shirt on a rare day off looking up over the wall, the blossoms drifting around him.

“That’s it?”

“Change Marie’s photo and you sleep closest to the bathroom.” He shivered, “you can’t put a deal on something that’s meant to be free Erwin.”

Levi stood and ripped open the new bedding. “Just be my person to lie against and drink tea with. I’ll be your person who will listen. At least we’ll both actually get some damned sleep. Stop over thinking the do’s and don’ts of something that should just be normal. Stop trying to make us some tactical report to follow, stop thinking this is an expedition.”

Erwin grabbed the frame, placing it on his bedside table, “I don’t know if sleep is intended.”

“Well –” Levi smirked, “we still haven’t had the next time.”

Erwin carefully picked his way to Levi, leaving footprints on his nice clean floor, he watched the other man bristle. Gently he laced his fingers through Levi’s loose harness, lightly tugging him to his chest, the Captain’s eyebrows arched with his approval. He bent at an almost painful angle touching his lips to Levi’s neck without moving him, conscious of his ribs.

He flinched, gasping - Erwin smirked, pleased knowing it had nothing to do with his injury but a sensitivity he had managed to hide until now. He kissed his way to his reddening ear and whispered, almost too embarrassed but too heady to care as Levi tugged at his shirt, “start a future plan with me, Captain.”

Levi shoved him to the bed, Erwin bounced in free fall, flying, "put the damn curtain up, Commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm a little worried people will be disappointed with the ending... The idea wasn't for Erwin's health to be solved by Levi or overnight, it's something I've thought he will suffer with from years of working in the legion. It only just brushed the issues that Levi himself would have but this story was dominantly from Erwin's POV. It wasn't meant to be lovey-dovey with all the right answers, it was meant to be as real as possible, not some picture-perfect relationship but the bumpy start to something that will become something special - filled with Respect and Adoration. 
> 
> This was the first fic I've published that isn't a one-shot. It's been a rough road because I'm already paranoid over one-shots let-alone a 10 chapter fic being read by others... I feel like some chapter read as if written by someone else, some chapters let other ones down etc. but I've learnt a lot and that could be paranoia on my behalf.
> 
> I plan on getting a beta reader to go through this, help improve it and then I'll post a bonus chapter once its been backwards edited... Can't do anything straight.
> 
> Thank you again to everyone that has left kudos, a comment or simply just read! It means a lot to me.


End file.
